CameraPets

Several years ago, one would never imagine people walking around with cell phones capable of taking pictures. Think about it… is this really a necessary device to have? We seemed to get along with our lives just fine before they existed. However, the once unfathomable concept of a camera built into a cell phone eventually became a reality - and proved to be an overwhelming success. It was something we really didn't need to have, but upon its inception people bought into it like flies to dog poo. Much like the custom built Celine Dion Auditorium in Vegas... that one is way more closely related to flies and dog poo, but I'm telling you something you probably already know.

I had an idea the other day. Let's take that camera thing a little further now. I think it might be a good idea to start cranking out pets with built in cameras. This would be a very practical, entertaining feature, would it not? All you'd have to do is have a small camera lens installed in your pet's forehead and maybe a USB port in their bum area where you could extract the media from. Or better yet - make it WIFI. You could experience live, realtime pictures and movies from your pet's perspective with none of those pesky wires.

"Where's the cat? I haven't seen him in quite a while!"
"I don't know, turn the camera on!"
"Oh, I'm getting an image of the end table in the guest bedroom and the violin picture above it. He's okay!"

This would be cool in hamsters, too. While suckling on their water bottle, you could take a snapshot and see what it looks like to be drinking out of something the size of an exhaust pipe hooked up to a giant clear tube full of water. And imagine the possibilities while viewing a romp through a Habitrail transport system (those cool-ass clear orange tubes that you buy for your little rodents to run through - sort of an ant farm for hamsters).

Of course you might want to turn the camera off when doggy is cleaning his/her nether-regions or whilst they're vomiting up that 3' string of carpeting they chewed up.

This could provide a whole new angle for detectives as well. Alls you'd have to do is bring your guinea pig Tyrone out on the hunt with you and when you saw the person you're after, hold the guinea pig up to their face, say "Excuse me, would you like to pet my cute guinea pig? His name is Tyrone!" and before they knew anything had happened, their photo would have been taken. That would be so awesome.

It would prove to be useful for paparazzi as well. Goldie Hawn would have no idea you were taking a picture of her dimply posterior on the beach if you held up your cameraferret towards her. Sure, she'd give you a look, but it would be more of a "why is that man pointing a ferret at me?" rather than "F*&^king paparazzi are at it again.."

You could also take a closeup picture of your nose while snuggling up to the face of your beloved pet.

Imagine the sheer possibilities that would ensue if CameraPets were to become a reality.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "He has all of these great ideas, but no one listens." And you're right. I can't figure out why it is I'm still having difficulty making ends meet when I have such great ideas like drilling holes in your pet's craniums and putting digital cameras in them.

An important PSA from your friend Nancy Yogurt

Hi, my name is Nancy Yogurt.

There was this one time that I put some yogurt on my foot for the dog to lick off and then the doorbell rang. The dog completely freaked as she usually does when the doorbell rings - she forgot all about the yogurt & ran to the door barking. And there I was, unable to answer the door because I had yogurt on my toes.

Don't let this happen to you, my friends - keep the yogurt on the spoon where it belongs. That is unless you're sure no one's going to be stopping by, in which case you should leave a sign on the front door just to be safe that says PLEASE DO NOT RING DOORBELL - DOG WILL FREAK OUT AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO ANSWER THE DOOR BECAUSE I'LL HAVE YOGURT ON MY FOOT.

Sincerely,

Nancy Yogurt

What day is it?

Is it Tuesday? Because I had something planned that day, and if it is indeed Tuesday, I missed it. Dammit.

If it's Wednesday, that's cool, because nothing was planned.. but I keep having this feeling it's Tuesday. If anyone's reading this that I had plans with on Tuesday, my apologies.

But what if my plans didn't involve anyone else? I can't remember. Shit.

I suppose I could ask someone what day it is, but then I would come off as some sort of idiot who didn't even know what day it was. If it was a stranger I guess that would be okay, because who are they to think of me as someone who doesn't even know what day it is? I've got a lot going on lately, and just because I can't remember if it's Tuesday or not shouldn't be that big of a deal.

I wonder what it was. Maybe I had planned on taking Tuesday to plan something to do on Wednesday. But then if today is Wednesday, which it could very well be, then I've just lost two days where I could have potentially been doing something. Something fun. Maybe I planned on cleaning my car out. No, I did that already. Maybe I had an appointment. I wonder what it was? Doctor? Oil change? Gynecologist?

Cripes. I really need to start using a planner. Whatever day it is right now, I will write in the planner "try to remember what day it is." But if I had a planner, then I would need to know what day it was to write that in as a plan. And that would defeat the purpose, because if I knew what day to pencil in "try to remember what day it is," I would already know what day it is.

I guess I could just open a page a random, write down that plan and hope for the best.

Gosh, this bugs me.

I was really thrown off by a dream that I had.. I think that's what started this all. I won't get into the dream with you other than letting you know the fact that I woke up and couldn't remember what day it was. Then I woke up this morning wondering what day it was. I also wondered if my dream I just had was really a dream - or did I actually wake up, wonder what day it was, and go back to sleep..? And then wake up the next day wondering what day it was...

Still not sure if that was a dream. Was it?

All I know is there's a smelly old man with crooked teeth standing outside in the 90 degree hear wearing a sweatshirt. I bet if I asked him what day it is I'd probably end up even more confused than I am now.

Hm.

Pimpin the Meat Smoothie Store

That's right, ladies and genitalmen, I'm here pimpin my shit again.

This time it's because I've recently seen quite a few of the products first hand and they look spectacular. So if you haven't lately, please visit me online store to peep all the t-shirts, coffee mugs, hats, stickers, and other stuff with my own hand crafted designs on them @
http://www.cafepress.com/micycle. Buy and wear with pride. I've got a lot more ideas on the way, it's just a matter of sitting down and making them happen.

It is my dream someday to open a real carbon-based store like this. It could very well happen, because everyone wants their very own I EAT BUGS shirt like the one to the left. With such thought provoking messages being spread, it is only a matter of time before world peace prevails and everyone is able to smile on their brother.

Earliest memories

I always mine through my childhood memories and try to remember the earliest ones I can. I usually ask people what their earliest memories are for fun - it's neat to watch them think and then remember things they haven't thought about in years. Everyone's got those old memories in their noggins, it's just a matter of unlocking them.

There's three in particular that I always go back to from my childhood:

1) When I was 3 or 4, my parent's friend Charlie Johnson came to stay with us for a day or two. He lived in Montana and still does to this day, I believe. This was the only time to my knowledge that I've ever seen him in person. He's the guy they named my brother after - I'll give you 1 shot at what my brother's name is and if you get it wrong, I'm giving you a titty twister.

All I remember about his stay is that he dropped and chipped one of our plastic cups and that we all took a nap in the middle of the day on our green shag carpeting in the living room. For some reason, I always pictured Charlie as a Buck Owens lookalike when I revisit this memory. Years later I saw a picture of him and he looks nothing like Buck Owens. Still not sure what he looks like, but now when I think of him I picture a taller, younger version of Regis Philbin.

2) Mom and Dad dropping me off at my Grandma Gertie's when Star Wars came out so they could go see it. I remember crying and looking at my mittens I was wearing. They were navy blue - the left one had yellow letters on it that said HOT, the right one said DOG.

3) Walking across the top of my Mom's piano holding a pink and yellow jump rope like a microphone and crooning like Don Ho.

Those were the earliest memories I've been able to muster up for the longest time. Until last week:

I rose from a deep sleep and suddenly remembered something. I must have been about one minute old at the time... There was a really bright light and a bunch of clowns. One clown held up a scissors and snipped my umbilical cord and I cried like a damn baby; most likely because I was one at the time.

I remember hearing the following conversation.

"It's a boy!"
"No it's not - take a closer look."
(brief pause)
"No, that's definitely a boy - here, take a look."
I remember feeling a sudden rush of inertia as I was tossed across the room followed by an intense pain in my back.
"Dude, you were supposed to catch him!"
"You think I'm gonna catch something all slimy like that? Why you throwing him in the first place - even if I did try to catch him, he'd slip out of my hands."
"Pick him up, dammit!"
"You threw him. You pick him up."
As they picked me up, it felt like an elevator ride going from the ground to "baby holding level".
"Oh, yeah, you're right.. that's definitely a boy.. I think my view was obscured by that dang King Kong statue again."
"Alright... let's get him rinsed off - we can't let the mother see him all full of sand and grass clippings like this. And throw him on a bed of ice for a few minutes to try and slow down some of that bruising."

I do remember seeing more clowns and more bright lights. The water felt really good when they hosed me down. I remember getting really cold, blacking out, and that's about it.

I'm going to have to talk to Mom and Dad about this and try and fill in any gaps this memory has.. Why clowns? Grass clippings and sand? Was I born outside? Will let you know if I learn anything more. My lifelong obsession with KISS is slowly starting to make sense now.

If you'd like to share your early childhood memories with the rest of the class, please respond in the comments link below.

Accordion Wakeup

Imagine just falling into a comfortable deep sleep on a couch. The air is cool and silence lingers like dewdrops on blades of grass after a Spring rain.

Unknowingly, somebody tiptoes into the room with a blue and white accordion strapped onto their person as bystanders wait and watch with baited breath, not making a single sound. The accordion is now being held, bellows wide open, just mere feet away from your sleepy little head which is still drifting off into the land of pink skies, unicorns, and gumdrops.

Everyone else is still watching. Accordion Wakeup is about to commence.

All fingers of the accordion bearer are pressed down on as many of the accordion's buttons as they can cover. Suddenly, the accordion is squeezed together with a sheer force equivalent to a full speed freight train. It creates a 2 second tornado of the most frightening, loud, lame noise you can ever imagine.

You awake in utter terror and your body convulses for a split second in whichever way it decides to go. You are now wide awake and everyone is laughing at you, because you were just the next victim of Accordion Wakeup.

This is how my brother Chuck woke his friend Jared up earlier this week and it was one of the most hilarious things I've seen since the Full Moon. Jared returned the favor with the squeeze box a few days later as Chuck was napping. You ain't seen nothing until you've witnessed Accordion Wakeup.

I quickly decided to refrain from taking any naps while they've been staying here... hmm, I wonder why?

FINALLY.

Jeez. Months and months of waiting and suddenly today, POW POW POW! All within 3 hours. Good things come in threes.. or in this case, fours.

*exhale*

I'm gonna go see if I can get my picture on the front of a Wheaties box.. if you're reading this and cornfused, sorry to be so vague.