I would rebuild one so that all of the insides would be turned around 180 degrees to make a "backwards-mobile".. can you imagine how cool it would be to see a car that looked like it was going in reverse down the freeway at 65mph?
It would need tinted windows so it would look like a normal car to the other people on the streets. But not too dark of a tint, otherwise the cops would pull me over... Although they'd probably be a little suspicious in the first place seeing a car going in reverse down the freeway.
Could you get pulled over for that, I wonder? If you're obeying all traffic laws and wearing a seat belt, I would think not.
Hm.
Maybe I'll start reading Chilton's Auto Repair Manuals extensively to see if they have a "how to turn the insides of a car backwards" section and let you know if I come up with anything.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Attn. Fla-Vor-Ice: I am your bitch
Aah, Fla-Vor-Ice.
Or as I like to call it: Popsicle Bacon.
Why are these things so f*&king good? Why is one never enough? I don't even really like the things or care what color I have. I'll decide to have one at random and 10 minutes later I find myself feeling slightly disoriented, hand propping head up on the table, sitting beside a sticky pair of scissors and a pile of 6-7 empty plastic wrappers that look like clear bacon. And every time my stomach yells at me. It screams "WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????"
People say it's hard to quit drinking or smoking... whatever, man. You haven't had any real pain until you've tried quitting Fla-Vor-Ice.
To cat, From owner
Dear Devo:
Please start biting your nails so I don’t have to wrestle you to clip them.
---
You can massage my belly any time, just try and not block my view of the TV so much.
---
Why do you keep drinking out of every water source but your own (other people’s glasses of water, the bathtub, the toilet, etc.)?
---
Why do you run to the fridge every time you hear the door open and continue to stand there sniffing the inventory when the door closes on you and you have to struggle to get yourself out of it? This happens every time, and maybe it’s time to come up with another plan. You're going to get hurt doing this.
---
There are much more comfortable places to sleep than wiggling and balancing on my leg when I’m on the computer or playing my guitars. I don’t mind it at all, just letting you know.
---
I appreciate the fact that you eat spiders – it keeps me from having to squash them in a crumpled up paper towel.
---
Thanks for never peeing on the laundry pile.
---
When "people food" is out, do you really enjoy being locked in the bathroom instead of just controlling yourself and not swatting it with your paws? It’s time to embrace the fact that you have food allergies and can only eat what the doctor says you can: Purina UR crunchy food or canned meat paste.
---
Contrary to what you may think:
1) When the doorbell rings, it is not the Feline Grim Reaper coming to get you and suck you into the fiery bowels of Hell.
2) When the vacuum is on, it is not on to chase you down and suck you into the fiery bowels of Hell.
---
(Author's note: Cat Hell = swarms of vacuum cleaners with arms and hands which enable them to ring doorbells.)
---
Contrary to what I think:
Chances are you aren’t sitting at the computer reading this, because you’re a cat.
Please start biting your nails so I don’t have to wrestle you to clip them.
---
You can massage my belly any time, just try and not block my view of the TV so much.
---
Why do you keep drinking out of every water source but your own (other people’s glasses of water, the bathtub, the toilet, etc.)?
---
Why do you run to the fridge every time you hear the door open and continue to stand there sniffing the inventory when the door closes on you and you have to struggle to get yourself out of it? This happens every time, and maybe it’s time to come up with another plan. You're going to get hurt doing this.
---
There are much more comfortable places to sleep than wiggling and balancing on my leg when I’m on the computer or playing my guitars. I don’t mind it at all, just letting you know.
---
I appreciate the fact that you eat spiders – it keeps me from having to squash them in a crumpled up paper towel.
---
Thanks for never peeing on the laundry pile.
---
When "people food" is out, do you really enjoy being locked in the bathroom instead of just controlling yourself and not swatting it with your paws? It’s time to embrace the fact that you have food allergies and can only eat what the doctor says you can: Purina UR crunchy food or canned meat paste.
---
Contrary to what you may think:
1) When the doorbell rings, it is not the Feline Grim Reaper coming to get you and suck you into the fiery bowels of Hell.
2) When the vacuum is on, it is not on to chase you down and suck you into the fiery bowels of Hell.
---
(Author's note: Cat Hell = swarms of vacuum cleaners with arms and hands which enable them to ring doorbells.)
---
Contrary to what I think:
Chances are you aren’t sitting at the computer reading this, because you’re a cat.
Monday, September 27, 2004
The Pinto Chronicles Vol. 2
1. Downtown Minneapplesauce. Monday afternoon (9.27.04)
7th Street and Hennepin right next to the First Avenue nightclub. The air was.... Breathable. African American gentleman walking past the car exclaimed the following:
"Alright, rollin' in the mutha-fuckin' Pintooooo!"
2. Nicollet and 32nd. Sunday evening (9.26.04)
Man in his van next to me on one way street pops his head out of the window, not giving any thought to the road, and gawks at the car for a good 3-4 seconds until his van swerves.
3. Dinkytown, leaving Podium Music - Thursday afternoon (9.23.04)
Bunch of dirty hippies walking across the street. Hippy girl in the group cannot contain her enthusiasm for poop brown Pinto and yells out "FUCK YEAH, DUDE!"
7th Street and Hennepin right next to the First Avenue nightclub. The air was.... Breathable. African American gentleman walking past the car exclaimed the following:
"Alright, rollin' in the mutha-fuckin' Pintooooo!"
2. Nicollet and 32nd. Sunday evening (9.26.04)
Man in his van next to me on one way street pops his head out of the window, not giving any thought to the road, and gawks at the car for a good 3-4 seconds until his van swerves.
3. Dinkytown, leaving Podium Music - Thursday afternoon (9.23.04)
Bunch of dirty hippies walking across the street. Hippy girl in the group cannot contain her enthusiasm for poop brown Pinto and yells out "FUCK YEAH, DUDE!"
Brains are weird.
And not just because they are inside of our heads and really squishy.
Sometimes my brain is not unlike a messed up "Where's Waldo" illustration where the artist forgot to draw him in. Not knowing Waldo is not included in the artwork, I look all over for Waldo with a giant magnifying glass and after hours and hours of observation am still unable to find him. On top of that, I was looking with the magnifying glass outside in broad daylight, so I burned a big hole in the paper.
This is my brain:
This is my brain on confusion:
Got any questions?
Sometimes my brain is not unlike a messed up "Where's Waldo" illustration where the artist forgot to draw him in. Not knowing Waldo is not included in the artwork, I look all over for Waldo with a giant magnifying glass and after hours and hours of observation am still unable to find him. On top of that, I was looking with the magnifying glass outside in broad daylight, so I burned a big hole in the paper.
This is my brain:
This is my brain on confusion:
Got any questions?
Saturday, September 25, 2004
I've got D sized batteries coming out of my arse
My band Iced Ink (http://www.icedink.net) was chosen as one of the bands from Minnesota to be featured in this year's nation wide Zippo Hot Tour band competition. It has proven to be quite exciting thus far - it has landed us a bunch of great shows on great nights, and we recently found out we're being professionally filmed at our show in November. The footage is allegedly going to be broadcast on HDNET in the early part of 2005... cool!
They emailed all of the bands at one point and gave us a heads up to keep an eye on the mailbox for some promotional materials. Yesterday I received an extremely cumbersome beat to hell box from UPS from the Zippo headquarters. The top of the box looked as if it had been punched in, and for that I'd like to give a hats off to the delicate measures UPS takes with handling all of their packages... he he!
I slid the box over to a good spot on the floor and ripped that sucker open. Inside were tons of different sized fancy shmancy flyers advertising the shows. Also included were about 75-100 CDs they had pressed with all of the Minnesota bands to hand out to people for free and fish them into coming to see us.
Now here's where it gets interesting. Remember how I mentioned the box weighed a ton? Amongst the lake of Styrofoam peanuts, nice smelling flyers, and CDs were nine Maxell D sized battery 16 packs. Nothing else. No notes of what to do with them or why there were so many... or why they were there in the first place.
Are we supposed to give 1 D battery away with each of the free CDs? Do I throw them into the audience at our shows and yell "FREE BATTERIES!" as a token of our appreciation? I have no clue. There is such a ridiculous amount of D batteries in that box that I'm contemplating building a castle out of them.
Anyways, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Zippo for all of the stuff. Everything looks great, we'll do our best to hand every last flyer and CD out. I think I have an idea of what to do with the batteries.
Hey close family and friends: guess what you're getting for Christmas...?
They emailed all of the bands at one point and gave us a heads up to keep an eye on the mailbox for some promotional materials. Yesterday I received an extremely cumbersome beat to hell box from UPS from the Zippo headquarters. The top of the box looked as if it had been punched in, and for that I'd like to give a hats off to the delicate measures UPS takes with handling all of their packages... he he!
I slid the box over to a good spot on the floor and ripped that sucker open. Inside were tons of different sized fancy shmancy flyers advertising the shows. Also included were about 75-100 CDs they had pressed with all of the Minnesota bands to hand out to people for free and fish them into coming to see us.
Now here's where it gets interesting. Remember how I mentioned the box weighed a ton? Amongst the lake of Styrofoam peanuts, nice smelling flyers, and CDs were nine Maxell D sized battery 16 packs. Nothing else. No notes of what to do with them or why there were so many... or why they were there in the first place.
Are we supposed to give 1 D battery away with each of the free CDs? Do I throw them into the audience at our shows and yell "FREE BATTERIES!" as a token of our appreciation? I have no clue. There is such a ridiculous amount of D batteries in that box that I'm contemplating building a castle out of them.
Anyways, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Zippo for all of the stuff. Everything looks great, we'll do our best to hand every last flyer and CD out. I think I have an idea of what to do with the batteries.
Hey close family and friends: guess what you're getting for Christmas...?
Friday, September 24, 2004
Therapeutic sidewalk embellishing
I saw something painted on the sidewalk yesterday that made me laugh:
"I HATE YOU DAD"
I found it incredibly amusing for three reasons.
1) What exactly did dad do?
2) I highly doubt that phrase has ever been painted on a sidewalk anywhere else... it was one of those things that just kind of catches you off guard (kudos to the artist for that one)
and
3) The medium in which it was executed: white paint with a small paintbrush. The letters were only about an inch tall. Have you ever painted on any sort of concrete surface? That shit isn't easy... taking into consideration that the artist was making letters, that must have taken at least a good 2-3 minutes from start to finish.
This raised a few other questions - is the house the embellished sidewalk is in front of where these people live? Has "dad" seen it? Or is the home occupied by a completely different family that has nothing to do with it? If so, have they seen it, and do they think everyone that reads it thinks someone in that house hates Dad? What if there isn't even a Dad in the house and everyone who reads that thinks there is, and this makes the occupants feel like complete strangers are making them out to be spoiled brats?
Sometimes I think way too much.
"I HATE YOU DAD"
I found it incredibly amusing for three reasons.
1) What exactly did dad do?
2) I highly doubt that phrase has ever been painted on a sidewalk anywhere else... it was one of those things that just kind of catches you off guard (kudos to the artist for that one)
and
3) The medium in which it was executed: white paint with a small paintbrush. The letters were only about an inch tall. Have you ever painted on any sort of concrete surface? That shit isn't easy... taking into consideration that the artist was making letters, that must have taken at least a good 2-3 minutes from start to finish.
This raised a few other questions - is the house the embellished sidewalk is in front of where these people live? Has "dad" seen it? Or is the home occupied by a completely different family that has nothing to do with it? If so, have they seen it, and do they think everyone that reads it thinks someone in that house hates Dad? What if there isn't even a Dad in the house and everyone who reads that thinks there is, and this makes the occupants feel like complete strangers are making them out to be spoiled brats?
Sometimes I think way too much.
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