Since spending my entire 5th grade school year looking at my teacher Mr. Basil's nose hairs that were so unkempt that they practically could have been French braided, I've always wondered at what point in my life I would start a) noticing such things coming out of my nose, and as a result b) have to do something about it. I now know the answer: My 37th birthday. That's the magic number where my olfactory filaments began to try and grow out onto my face like the ornamental vines on the side of my old apartment building on 24th and Hennepin. In the past I've had instances where I've tamed a few sporadic strands trying to peek out. Those were easily managed with beard trimmer attachments built specifically for nasal cavity landscaping.
That was then, this is now. Things seem to be getting a little more unwieldy in my beak, and it seems they just don't make those beard trimmer attachments like they used to - that is unless ripping the hairs out with a dull reverse pencil sharpener is what it used to feel like and I just don't remember. I've tried carving them down with the regular flat clipper attachment by bending my nasal cartilage to a point to where I could get the corner of the clippers in there, but that only calms the savage beasts that are my nose hairs for a day or two. Plus when you've got a cat who likes to hop up on the sink and get all up in your binnit like Frank does, I could end up with one big nostril if he caught me off guard mid-trim.
The first thing that caught my eye on the packaging and made it stand out amongst the rest at Bed Bath & Beyond was the AS SEEN ON TV emblem (or AS ON TV as the seductive propaganda to the left says). If you see an ad for a nose trimmer on TV, yup, that's the same one I use. I'm a distinguished gentleman who will settle for nothing less than the finest trimmer available for my nose hair.Check out all of the functionality built into this thing. Look at how happy and confident the man using it is. His nostrils are crisp and clean. He's in it to win it. He's going to go into that interview and land that job. And then when he goes and meets up with the guys for a round of Coors Lights at Applebees to celebrate, the chicks will be lining up to talk to him. Anyone who knows anything about well built machinery will tell you that the AS SEEN ON TV emblem basically means you can rest assured that this product consists of nothing but the highest quality parts and most superior craftsmanship that money can buy. It's almost as if the manufacturer is shooting itself in the foot by selling such a fine product. Once you buy one, you'll never need another because it will outlast you. And your children. And quite possibly their children. On my deathbed I will pass this nose hair trimmer down from my generation to the next. I haven't just bought a nose hair trimmer... it's an heirloom forged from the finest plastic and metallic-looking substance that is hopefully mercury/lead free that one could ever ask for. I'm almost tempted to make an appointment with a jeweler to take it in and have my name engraved (or melted as the case may be) into its shaft.
As you can also see in the graphic, it has a built in light which is incredibly handy when trimming that hard to see hair on the back of your neck. All these years I thought it was because my eyes were on the opposite side of my head, but it turns out that's not the case. Inadequate lighting is to blame. That and not owning this fantastic apparatus any sooner. The light is also useful when I wake up in the middle of the night and feel an extra long brow or beard follicle when I randomly brush my hand across my face. I can run to the bathroom mirror, take advantage of the simultaneous light/trimmer feature, and crawl back into bed without disturbing the wife or cats whatsoever.
It also comes with a pen-style cap which protects the "now 50% more power" blade when not in use. What's awesome about that is the pen cap has a clip on it so that I can keep it securely in my shirt pocket for those unexpected times when I need precise nose hair, brow, beard, ear, or neck hair trimming on the go. There's been so many times where I'm sitting on the train or in a meeting and suddenly remember that I forgot to trim my nose hairs or those dozen or so beard hairs that are longer than the rest. Those days are gone. Now it's just a matter of saying "Excuse me" during that meeting, asking the person next to me to hold up a CD or other reflective surface, removing the trimmer from my pocket, and giving the nose hairs a little touch up. I can feel the righteousness now of putting the cap back on, sticking it back in my shirt pocket, shaking the clippings off the pie chart printout in front of me on the table, and saying "All right gentlemen.. carry on."
The next time you see me and you're taken aback by how attractive and youthful I look, take a good long gander at my well groomed nostrils. Because that's where all of that new found youthful radiance is coming from. All with the help of my $9.99+tax Men's Precision Groomer. You know. It's the one you've probably seen on TV.
