I sometimes wonder what Sylvester Stallone is going to look like when he gets old and then something occurs to me: I probably first saw him when he was around 27 and ice skating with Adrian. Whether I like it or not that will always be my primary Sylvester Stallone point of reference and the image that appears in my brain's slot machine every time that I hear his name.
It's 2011 now and he's approaching 65 years of age... but he certainly doesn't look 65 to me. It almost sounds like I'm complimenting him. Not really the case. There are additional words that follow that glob of words which funnel said glob of words into a proper What IS Sylvester Stallone perspective, and they go like this: He doesn't look 65 at all. He doesn't look 75, he sure as Hell doesn't look 55, and 45 is way out of the picture. He doesn't look 70. Or 60. Or 63. Or 47. He doesn't really have any sort of age at all, he's just this weird looking thing now that's not a person anymore. He's Sylvester Stallone.
Kind of like how Oprah is. I grew up back when Oaps was just a talk show host. At some point in the late 80s or 90s she crossed over from being a daytime talk show host to being a mascot of herself, for herself. She has been completely de-personed. What does she reward only the most dedicated viewers of her show with? The gift of experiencing being in the same room with Oprah Winfrey. That's what. And now she's got her own TV network. Her OWN TV network, that is. How about that for a network name? And guess who's going to be on the next cover of O Magazine... would it be Oprah by chance? I'll bet her bed is setup to dispense 1500 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets like Kleenex. If she perspires ever so slightly while on them, fwwwwwwwwip - pull those old ones off to dispense the next ones and call your Oompa Loompas in to take the used ones to Oprah's Personal O-Incinerator.
So annnnnnyways. Back to Sly. The only age I ever remember him being is late 30s or early 40s. I'm talking about Rocky III and First Blood. You can at least look at him and picture him as being your friend's cool single dad or something.
See what I mean? That's from Rocky III, my second favorite of the Rocky movies right below the first one. That's a 38ish-to-42ish year old if I ever saw one. Check out how badass his opponent Clubber Lang is. Holy crap, now there's a guy I wouldn't want to piss off. Like if I worked at his local video rental store back in the day and he returned his VHS tapes without rewinding them, I probably wouldn't say anything to him, nor would I charge him the 25 cent fine for not being kind and rewinding. I'd just let it go. It would certainly be a better alternative to potentially watching all of his sweaty hate unfold point blank into my face. Mr. T was in a movie called DC Cab which I rented after seeing his bad ayuss in Rocky III. I remember that I didn't really understand DC Cab and got pretty bored with it after about 20 minutes. I drew pictures as I watched it which is a telltale sign of its inability to keep my attention. Right around that time my brother received an LP entitled Mr. T's Commandments for his birthday. It was an entire record of Mr. T angrily reading positive rhyming affirmations for children over music which at the time I categorized as "break dance music". The break dance music which he angrily spat rhymes upon sounded like it was put together by a freshly castrated Quincy Jones taking his depressing post-surgical woes out on a Casio keyboard. I have it in my iTunes and listen to it on occasion for a good chuckle. Like Sylvester Stallone, it's aging at a rather awkward curve.
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OK, so I started writing this with the intent of trying to crack the code that is Sly Stallone and have digressed a few times already. I'm digressing because the more I try and venture into the "What IS Sylvester Stallone" spiral, the more uncomfortable I get. How long has he been taking steroids? He takes 'em, right? Does he really look that way because of the steroids? Was he really born in 1946 or is that when he was left here on our planet in a smoldering black crater caused by the UFO which intentionally left him here and took off in a hurry?
Perhaps Brigette Nielson was behind the baseball-faced meathead he has mutated into. Let's say that Sly was enjoying a cocktail in a hot tub with Brigette back in the day. I know, it's a rather arousing thought but stick with me for a few more minutes before going to grab a tissue to dab the lustful sweat beading on your foreheads. Perhaps said cocktails were ingested after Brigette had discovered that Sly wasn't filming Cobra II as he'd told her and that he was actually having adult relations with a hot bikini model. Brigette being all shitfaced and high on goofballs 24/7 like she was back then decided to seek revenge and tainted his beverage with some sort of toxic concoction akin to Smilex. "Oh NOOO deea, ze maid just geef you voad-ka and toan-eek like you alwiss have," she'd say after he took the first sip and commented on how it tasted like aspirin. He would also attempt to comment on how his vodka and tonics aren't usually green and bubbling, but she'd say "Shhh sh sh sh shhh... dreenk aahp" and tip the cup against his crooked lips until the liquid poured in and ceased his ability to render his observations into words. This toxic cocktail then cast a freaky-ass spell upon poor Sly's development as a living thing rendering him immortal but tricking 50% of his body into forever thinking it was 16 years old.
I dunno. Does he really look like he's 65? I'm not seeing it. I don't see any age at all. Kind of like another Sylvester: Sylvester the cat. I can't look at him and give you an accurate age estimate. I just look at him and say "Yep, there's Sylvester the cat." Guess how old Sylvester the cat is? I just Googled him and he's 66. He was created one year prior to what IMDB says Sylvester the Stallone was created. Interesting.
I give up. I should really stop before I transition into my conspiracy theories on those weird looking old puffy guy masks, teeth, and wigs that Mickey Rourke wears.
