Lanth, your wish is my command. I have been on blogging hiatus as of late and know it has left many of you with an empty feeling inside, so today I will take a few moments of my time to deliver the goods. Without further ado, I give you the Apprentice Burger essay. Not sure when I’ll be back next, but hopefully this will entertain you for the time being.
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So the other day my partner in crime Kimb and I took it upon our bad selves to visit Burger King on Nicollet Avenue to see what the new Apprentice Burger is all about. On the commercial, the Apprentice Burger allegedly contains 100% Angus beef. I am not sure what Angus beef is, but after this experience, I reckon it has something to do with ground up entrails and body parts of Apprentice losers.
Upon entrance of the fine BK facility, I noticed the door on the right had a sign on it that read "PLASE USE OTHER DOOR. THIS DOOR IS BROKEN." On the other side was the same sign, complete with "PLASE". 10 points for consistency awarded to whomever wrote those fuckers up... if you're going to misspell something, it's at least good to do it twice like that. I'll throw in another 5 bonus points for the 3rd grade penmanship. I'm not knocking you, Burger King sign maker - you've given me years of great, friendly customer service and hot, tasty vittles.. and you work hard for your money. I just like to point out good sign making when I see it.
So anyhoo - back to the Apprentice Burger. We took the plunge, complete with complimentary plastic cutlery with which to sever our tasty sammich in 2 equal halves to share. Sammiches always look more appealing when split in 2 and opened up like a clamshell so all of the succulent vapors and juices can be displayed to make one's mouth water like a wet towel being wrung out. Look at Subway footlongs, for example. Do you think those would look nearly as appetizing if they weren’t cut in half diagonally like they always are? I think not.
While severing the Apprentice Burger in two, I contemplated out loud if prior to placing the Anus.. pardon me, Angus beef patty on the flame broiler if BK employees are required to point at it and say "You're Fired!" I know, bad joke, but I couldn't resist.
The first bite was taken and here is an actual transcription of what went through my mind at that very moment: Hm... maybe my taste buds need to become acclimated to a prestigious, new culinary concoction such as this. It's a little.. blurry tasting. Blurry… like Donald Trump’s hair. Maybe that’s what they’re going after?
The second bite came, and it didn’t get any better. I examined the Apprentice Burger ingredients before me with great curiosity to try and make some sense of all the hype and found the following: an(g)us meat, bun, lettuce, peculiar sauce which I think was BBQ, some other weird things, and the trademark Apprentice Burger ingredient, or the crown, as I like to call it: onion rings.
90% of the Apprentice Burger was finished and we couldn’t take anymore. It was so.. mushy. Blurry. I keep going back to thinking that perhaps Trump’s hair was used as inspiration for this taste sensation. Go try one for yourselves if they’re still making them and you’ll see what I’m talking about. You keep waiting for flavor and non-mushy consistency to appear and save the day, but it doesn’t. And you’re left with an empty wrapper and your glazed over eyes looking down at your belly feeling your self-esteem plunge by the minute.
Lesson learned. I’m sticking with the good ol Chicken Sammich, Bacon Double Cheeseburger, or Whopper from now on. There is no need to go risking $4 on such an unsatisfying hyped up mess like the Apprentice Burger. We fell into your trap once, NBC and Burger King, but never again.
Dear Apprentice Burger: You’re fired.
