All that I can say after buying a new pair of running shoes this weekend is that running shoes are pretty much the ugliest fucking things ever. It's not much better for chicks either, but dude running shoes win the ugly race by a long shot. There are decent looking options that appear to be running shoes, but after doing some pretty extensive research on running shoe ratings I found that basically anything I'd instinctively walk up to and want to buy was not a practical option if I was planning on doing anything more than regular old walking in 'em. Dropping what to me is a substantial amount of money on something I wouldn't want to be caught dead in is not a fun shopping conflict to be in the middle of. Hmmmm.... On that note I think I'll tie a pair of Chuck Taylors around my waist in the event that something happens to me. Hopefully I'd be able to change back into those and throw my running shoes into the bushes with the crushed beer cans and enema box.
Is there such thing as a running shoe that doesn't look like a space caterpillar wrapped in a doily crochetted by an intergalactic alien grandmother? Seriously.
What the fuck is this?
For reals?? Did the shoe trailer accidentally get dropped off at the Edge shaving gel factory? Why silver? Why shave gel blue? Do the stripes on
the side make you run faster? Do the little red nubs on the bottom that look like LED lights illuminate or blast you off the ground into the mothership? I know that running shoes are a result of some highly sophisticated engineering and foot nerdery, but that doesn't mean they can't camouflage said nerdery. You're pretty much left with no choice but to have your feet adorned with shoes that yell out to the world "LOOK AT ME EVERYONE! MY FEET ARE IN SPACE TACOS!"Maybe they make them look like that so that you have to run from people who are trying to beat you up because you're wearing such ugly shoes. Exercise via fear. Perhaps it's a ploy to get you to run more and wear them out faster so that you go buy them more frequently with aspirations of the manufacturer opting for newer, less shaving-gel-burrito-from-Pluto aesthetics. The particular shoe that I was sold on provided me with the option to pick my own custom colors on the Nike website for an additional $30. Bryn had mentioned that this was maybe why they make the standard shoes so gall damned ugly - it makes you consider paying even more just to get something that doesn't look like Stevie Wonder chose the colors while standing in one of those cash tornado booths filled with ugly color swatches.
I ended up going with the peculiar looking chunk of rubber and other space-age fibers to the left. Yeah, they're pretty rad. Out of the 4 available colors this was the least nauseating choice. The others were black with white and baby blue accents (yes, that combo is for dudes), light grey with white and fluorescent radioactive urine-colored accents, and then white with puke grey and bright blue accents. Alas, this particular specimen was one of the higher rated podiatric space tacos within my budget and the very instant I put 'em on, my feet were in absolute bliss. For Christ's sake though, why all of the busy stuff? Who was the genius that decided on off-tan, brown, white, orange, and maroon? It's not like I'm Tim Gunn or anything or that I have anyone to impress - especially while running. It just boggles my mind that people have to abandon basically all and any taste when it comes to buying footwear for running. I accept the fact that although the build of my running shoes are just a few strands of DNA from Gene Simmons' dragon boots, they're saving my knees and feet. But this color combo madness needs to stop.
I'm sure there are those who see a pair of shoes that look like the design was based off of a late 1990's Aiwa 3 CD changer bookshelf stereo system and think "Wow, those are really sweet. I absolutely must have them and wear them at once!" I ask that those of you on that side of the fence take my running shoe rant with a grain of salt. I'm a dude who has adhered to a strict diet of Chuck Taylors since the late 1980s and maybe am just a little narrow minded. I'm guessing that the pro-running shoe design fans are far outnumbered by the anti fans, though.
Anyways. My run this morning was an incredibly cushy ride in my sweet new A&W root beer colored kicks, so I should be thankful that at least they're serving their purpose. I paid close attention to the shoes of other runners in the park and realized we're all on the ugly shoe train together. Perhaps we all need to gather in the middle of the park to protest and have a shoe burning. Do you hear us now, Nike?
(Insert Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It here)
No rallying until I hit the 450 mile mark with mine though... I paid good money for these ugly-ass sunnofabitches. In the mean time I guess there's always that Croc burning protest idea I can start putting together.
