I splurged and bought me a dandy tin of $2 Altoids Sour Chewing Gum the other day, mainly because I'm a sucker for tins, and this one happened to be decorated in my favorite shade of green… Not to mention I like sour things, so it was meant to be, or so I thought.
I burn through gum like little kids use tape when wrapping presents. The second the flava starts to dissipate, down the hatch the ABC goes and a new piece is started. This is why I can never buy Fruit Stripes or Juicy Fruit, because replacing sticks of flavorless gum every 15 seconds could get a little expensive over time. Not to mention: Can you imagine the mess with all of those gum wrappers? I'd need to buy a wrapper rake.
So anyhows, a half a day later towards the 15th or so piece of the "about 20 pieces" the tin claims to have, I noticed something on the side of the tin:
BEST WHEN USED BY 13 FEB 06
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but today is February 22nd. Pardon me while I do some simple math: 22 - 13 = 9. I've been eating gum NINE DAYS past its prime. I say "eating" because although I chew it, I swallow it as well, which thereby classifies my gum consumption technique under the eating category. I know, it's not healthy to swallow it, but either is fast food or most of the other shit that's 1,000 times worse for you but you put in your face anyways, right? Right.
I figured since I'd already downed most of the tin's contents already, I may as well throw the rest down the hatch, too. What good would throwing them out do now? Sure, I could use them as evidence in court, but what good is a $2 court settlement going to do for me if I'm not around to enjoy it?
I guess it's just a matter of time now before I drop dead. Let this be a warning to all of you gum chewers out there: check the expiration dates on the packages, or you could very well end up in my shoes. It's not a good feeling - I have so much I have yet to accomplish. Life has been great so far, but is this how it's going to end? From expired gum?
There is, however, a slight glimmer of hope:
In 1987 my brother, bless his little heart, alerted me of an entire box of unopened KISS trading cards from the 1970s that he found sitting at Shinders. This was back when Band Aid-sized sticks of chewing gum came in packs of cards. I bought every last overpriced pack of KISS cards they had, and lo and behold, the gum was still intact (although it had "grown" onto the backs of the cards over its 10 year hibernation.) It was hard as a rock and a little brownish/yellow looking (not quite the bubbagum pink it once was), but you bet your arse I ate some. It's not very often a KISS fan gets to eat 10 year old KISS card gum. It wasn't a choice; it was my duty. It sort of crumbled like chewy sand in my mouth and tasted like trading cards smell, but eventually took on a gum consistency once gnashed on long enough.
I don't know how many sticks of that shit I ingested, but it was at least 6 or 7 and I seemed to live through that just fine. However - the reason I think I lived was because there was no expiration date printed on the KISS card packages. That gum was made to withstand a nu-cu-lar war and still be intact. It was KISS gum and it was so badass that it didn't NEED no stinkin' expiration date.
Altoids however? I am SO dead. I plan on being cremated. My only request when I die from this tragic gum poisoning incident is that my ashes be placed in the Altoid tin responsible for my demise. I would like it to be mailed to the gas station on 28th and Lyndale Ave. where I bought it from. I will have a handwritten note prepared that I wish to be included with my remains that says "Thanks, I hope you're happy now."
I'll miss you all.
