I can sum up about 95% of what last night’s news was about: the blizzard of March 17th-18th. Reporters were delivering up-to-the-minute information on a “winter storm” that was on its way to Minnesota, scraping it’s hooves on the ground like an angry bull about to charge a red flag. It was reported that 3-5” of snow would fall overnight, so "be sure to leave a little bit before you usually do, because the driving is gonna kill you!"
7am this morning, I woke up and went outside to scrape the anticipated 3-5” of frozen crystalline precipitation off of our vehicles - because I’m Mr. Awesome and like to do nice things like that. The first thing I saw when I walked outside the door was the greenish-brown lawn. And the cars. They were all visible, and the only accumulation as far as mine eyes could see was not unlike the paper-thin amount of glaze on a donut. Somehow, that 3-5” everyone’s panicked about became 3-5 millimeters. And they’re STILL talking about it on the news as if it was the end of the world. If this was a good old fashioned Minnesota blizzard delivering 3-4 feet of snow, then fine – make a big deal about it. But it’s only expected to be 4-5 inches by Saturday and they’re already talking about school closings this afternoon.
4-5 inches. Of snow. Snow is not poisonous. Snow does not cause cancer. Snow is not magma – it will not melt children if they happen to step in it (although I’ve got to admit that would be sort of cool).
Okay, step aside morning news peeps, I’m taking over:
Putting finger on ear and talking into microphone like the old radio announcer guy on “Laugh In”:
*clearing throat*
"Ladies and gentlemen of the State of Minnesota, I interrupt this regularly scheduled program to inform you that there is a light dusting of snow outside. This is an emergency. The South Metro area is expected to get 3-4” of snow today. This is not a test. Be sure you’re well stocked up on canned goods, batteries, propane, crossword puzzles, Chinese finger traps, ramen noodles, and bottled water. Call your friends and family that aren’t close by and tell them that you love them in case you never see them again should absolute devastation occur from The Evil Blizzard of '05.." (pauses to look outside) "OOOOooh, the snow… it’s falling from the sky. There must be 1/2 an inch out there right now! At this rate by noon we’ll have up to one inch! Men, gather the women and children. If you have a basement or fallout shelter, now is the time to take your radios and enter them until you are advised that it is safe to come out…"
Sorry to cut this short, but this fella’s got to stop typing and go hide under the bed until I hear the plows drive by to wipe out that see-thru dusting of snow on the roads.
