So, I went to my first ever court appearance today to get my driving privileges back. Woooo HA! One would think the process was as easy as:
1. Go to court
2. Talk to judge
3. Pay some fines, and
4. Get my license reinstated.
Oh you think so, do you? Nope. There's a few additional steps involved in the process, all of which I will go into for your enlightenment right now:
1. Go to court
2. Watch cheesy public access-quality video about being in court while filling out form to request assistance of a Public Defender (which is determined by judge when he reads said form)
3. Wait with other people who are in court while listening to the fluorescent lights buzz
4. Stand up when judge enters "courtroom" (aka old classroom in what once was an elementary school in my hometown converted into courtroom)
5. Listen to Judge talk to the people one by one that are "in line" before me. Judge informs every single person that they are deemed ineligible for a public defender and seems like a nice guy, but ready to hand out some serious ass whoopin'.
6. Listen to case where 20 year old male was cited for disturbing the peace at a house party @ 2am.
Judge: "So you ran into the house and locked the doors when the police arrived?"
Dude: "Yes sir."
Judge: "Do your parents know about this?"
Dude: "No sir."
Judge: "Well they'll probably find out now. You're sentenced to 10 days in
jail and a $300 fine. NEXT!"
7. Shit in pants thinking uh oh, if this guy got that for partying a little too hard, I am a dead man for what I done.
8. Get called up to Judge.
9. Verify that yes, I am me.
10. Watch judge read Public Defender request form and chuckle.
Judge: "You have a 74 Pinto?? Wow!"
Me: "Yes Sirree! Wood paneling and all."
Judge: "I used to have one of those. Did you see they've got
one in a car commercial now? It's parked on the side of the street and all
beat up!"
Me: "Yes Sir! I saw that ad and thought 'hey, don't make fun of my car
like that!'" (courtroom chuckles)
11. After Pinto conversation subsides, Judge looks at proof of insurance and says "Yup, he was insured at the time. No Insurance dismissed. You are eligible for a public defender and need to schedule an appointment to come back to court with her. Pay your tickets and your license will be reinstated so you can at least drive again. Thanks, have a nice day."
12. Write note to self to be sure to thank the Pinto for softening up judge
13. Get back to mom's, call DMV to find out how much I owe in traffic tickets
14. Spend about 20 minutes listening to robot on DMV hotline telling me "For [this option], press 1. For [this option press 2]." And so on.
15. Press zero in hopes of being connected with an actual human.
16. Robot says "You have selected an invalid option. For [this option], press 1. For [this option], press 2."
17. Tell robot where she can stick her options
18. Make about 5 more phone calls involving being on hold and then being told to call a different number.
19. Finally get the right number with a human on the other end. Human looks up my information and tells me I have 4 tickets, 1 going all the way back to 1998, that all add up to $504. Think to self I thought I paid some of those...
20. Shit in pants again
21. Have mom drive me 30 miles out to Hennepin County Courthouse.
22. Lady at desk looks up my DL number.
DMV Lady: "That will be $150 dollars."
Me: "Wha? I was told $504 on the phone."
DMV Lady: "Um..." (mouse clicking) "Nope, all that shows here is
a citation for failure to renew tabs. That's $150 dollars."
Me: "I was told on the phone something completely different.
Are you sure that's right?"
DMV Lady turns computer monitor so I can take a gander. There it was, right as rain - $150.
23. Become increasingly confused, but hand over the $150 and walk out with an allegedly valid drivers license once again.
24. Try to ignore uneasy feeling in stomach from wondering how $504 became $150 in a matter of a 40 minute drive.
25. Have awesome mom drive me back to their home in Cottage Grove where the Pinto was being kept.
26. Scrape impound lot crayon markings off of window.
27. Thoroughly clean Pinto out to rid it of its demons and the mess that Officer Tackleberry made whilst searching vehicle for non-existent marijuana.
28. Apprehensively drive for the first time in nearly a month
29. Shit in pants yet again when I see a po-leese car
30. Wipe sweat off forehead once I leave Cottage Grove city limits.
31. Wonder why Pinto is making strange noise, realize I'm going 55mph in 3rd gear. Oh yeah, there's 4 gears and I need to shift into the last one when I'm at this speed. Yikes... it's been a while.
Damn, what a day. It mos' definitely is nice to drive again, although I'm still not sure what to think about that DMV hoo-ha. But hey, the lady said $150 and my license is once again valid. Or is it...? Stay tuned.
Special thanks to everyone and anyone that's had to tote my ass and/or music equipment around for the last month... I sincerely appreciate it. I am forever in debt. No, for real.. take a look at my bank account.
