If I were a poodle, I would try to be the best poodle ever. Why? Because poodles, like beagles, tend to have a bad rep amongst most people I know, at least, and I want to help them out. I'd write a blog about being the ultimate beagle, but I'm not a miracle worker. Not to mention the word "poodle" is just more fun to read and say. And it rhymes with 2 of my favorite things: noodle and strudel.I'll be the first to admit, I am not the biggest fan of poodles. I even went so far at one point to design a tee-shirt with the following language on it: Who needs toilet paper when you've got a poodle? Poodles for the most part are hyper yipper yappers and they smell funny. Have you ever been near a poodle? If not, next time you see one step up and take a whiff. It's sort of like the smell of an old vacuum cleaner bag.
First things first. If I were a poodle, I'd do something with my hair. Perhaps I'd search the ethnic hair care aisle of my local department store for a relaxer of some sort. I'd also make sure to bathe on a regular basis and use lots of conditioner. And maybe let it soak in for a good 5 minutes prior to rinsing it out.
I'd also make sure my toenails were well manicured at all times. Why? Because if you've ever
seen unkempt poodle nails (99% of the time for whatever reason, this is the case), they look like they have little boxelder bugs coming out of their toes.Also, if I were a poodle, I'd try to drink relaxing herbal teas and other calming non-caffeinated beverages. I'd eat a lot of turkey, too, because we all know turkey contains triptophen which makes us drowsy after downing a bunch of it on the holidays.
I've known several poodles in my life, and I shit you not, every last dang one of them are so full of piss and vinegar that you almost lose weight just watching them. They're like lightning in a bottle with 4 legs. My oh my, they're so hyper! If you're sitting down and there's a poodle sleeping near you, I'd be willing to put money on it that if you slowly and quietly attempted to stand up, the second that little fucker hears you, it would jump up and start wagging its tail as if it just downed a pot of really strong coffee and a handful of NoDoz.
I'm not trying to knock poodles here, just making some suggestions for any poodles that might be reading this. Some pointers, if you will, to maybe stop giving poodles such a bad name. Can't a brother make a few simple suggestions to help out?
My grandma had 1.5 poodle(s). Its name(s) was/were Suzie #1 and Suzie #2 R.I.P.). To us kids, she only had 1 Suzie, but I'll let you in on a deep, dark family secret: Suzie #1 died in the early 80s and was replaced with an exact much younger replica of herself. Enter Suzie #2. My Uncle Rick used to rub peanut butter on the roof of her mouth and she'd make very contorted faces licking it off. We all found this rather amusing. Suzie 2 had so much energy that she felt the need to hump your shoe if your foot happened to be properly arched on the floor while you were sitting. She was also a fan of retrieving tennis balls until she was near death and gasping for air. I still remember that pudgy little poodle body sitting on my lap. I loved her, but have to admit I was always a little grossed out wondering if her not-furry-enough ass, the thing she pooped with, was touching my pants. I always wished her tail was a little longer so she could at least tuck it under there while sitting on my lap to keep things sanitary.
If I were a poodle, I'd also wear a baseball cap with my ears tucked up in it for a more sleek, casual look. I'd try to land a job in a comic book shop or record store, too. Because as we all know, cool people tend to hang out at those places, and if they saw a poodle working at one, they'd think "Hm... you know, poodles are actually kinda cool!"
That's about it for now, I guess. If I can think of anything else to add, I will in the future. But I think I've at least provided a good starting point here of how to become a better poodle.
