Have you seen the ads for the latest "reality" programming? CBS' Rockstar: INXS. "INXS is looking for a new singer, and you could be it!"
To refresh your mammaries, INXS shot to fame in the late 80s with a lot of great, sultry, poppy hits that you'd know if you heard. You may recall that in 1997, the key ingredient to the band, singer Michael Hutchence died whilst in the act of improperly executed (literally) auto-erotic asphyxiation. FYI: for those considering trying it out, the proper way of performing this "why isn't the normal way good enough" act involves not killing yourself. What a peculiar thing that must have been to the person who found him dead: walk in and see him hanging there with his schvontz in his hand.
I digress. Back to the TV show:
So in the show, the band is performing an American Idol-type search for a new singer. Sorry INXS 2.0, but Michael Hutchence was your Jim Morrison. Can you imagine The Doors with any other frontman? Doubt it. Same with INXS - sure, the musicians in the band are real hep and groovy and all, but Hutchence was the glue. The voice and the looks that made the ladies (and maybe a few men) hang posters of him on their walls.
INXS 2.0: It would be in your best interest to disband completely right now and maybe start some side projects or get jobs teaching like that weird flute player guy in Men At Work. Quit while you're ahead! Maybe Mike Patton would have worked out when you asked him, but he was too busy at the time and perhaps a bit too genius to be a part of the band anyhow. What sweet irony that would have been if Patton agreed and then made them play "Dead Goon", an old Patton/Mr. Bungle song about... that's right: auto-erotic asphyxiation.
So say you do find a new singer... unless he sounds and looks a lot like Hutchence, it won't sound like INXS. And replacing a singer with an exact replica of the previous one is a no-no anyways. Look at the horrifying mess that KISS has become from this. And has anyone seen the guy singing with Journey these days? Oh-ma-ghad. It's like the dude is a parrot mimicking Steve Perry. Journey sans Steve Perry is like a Big Mac without the bun and meat... just an unsatisfying pile of mushy lettuce, lukewarm pickles and mystery sauce.
The most perplexing thing of all to me in these Rockstar: INXS commercials is that they don't appear to be playing any of their own music. It's all 100% cover tunes - at least in the ads. One would think that when holding "auditions" for your band with some pretty big shoes to fill like this, maybe you should start things off by actually playing your own music unless you're going to start playing weddings (which may not be a bad idea for them at this point.) I'm sure it's the fat guys in suits in the programming department that came up with the brilliant idea of cover tunes. I bet I know exactly what was said in the meeting:
"Yeah, well people probably aren't that familiar with INXS' music. What.. they only had like 5-6 hits way back when, right? It's not interesting enough to lure viewers in. So... let's have them do lame covers that viewers will automatically identify with, know the choruses to, and make them want to watch!"
And I'll bet that once the band was confronted with the cover tune idea, they weren't too fond of it. But the fat guys in suits have money and power, and INXS 2.0 probably thought "Aaah - fuck it! We're getting paid and we need the exposure."
Coming soon to used $2.99 CD bins across the country: INXS 2.0 CDs featuring new singer [insert name here]. You'll find it right behind the 2 dozen Carrie Underwood CDs that people will have bought at Walgreens and sold immediately after suddenly feeling utterly disgusted with themselves.
Screw all of this.. I'm goin' fishin.
