I have this slight poofy eyelid thing in my driver's side eye that won't let up. I'd been starting to develop an irrational fear that I just might spend eternity behind a pirate patch if I didn't have it looked at, so I went to the doctor today to have it peeped. Doc was a tall good-humored fella, sort of resembled a mix between the Principal from Saved By The Bell and that one guy that's in that one movie. "No worries," said he, "just take some pills, man."So off I went to Walgreens to have my prescription filled. I usually just go there to buy the quick essentials, such as candy and chockit milk. But now I was stuck there for a good 20 minutes, so I shopped. And I shopped hard. Suddenly things like shoelaces, ice cube trays, and tire gauges became alluring and had a big BUY ME, YOU NEED ME cartoon bubble hovering above them.
My name was called, pills were ready, so I dropped the plastic Slinky I was looking at and flew to the pickup counter located in the hindermost corner of the store. The line was boundless, a pleasant mix of neat punk rock girls and old folks that smelled like Eddingtons, one of which had aquarium tubing coming out of her nose hooked up to blue tanks of some sort.
You can't help but take notice while in this line that directly across the Pharmacy checkouts is a giant gondola of prophylactics, as well as a bevy of sexy lotions developed to allegedly cause new and unique sensations when properly administered to the nether-regions. Not sure how I'd feel about this scenery if I worked that counter all day. There are courtesy chairs across from said gondola, in which many elderly people sit waiting for their meds. They have no choice but to be face-to-face with these products as they wait which is a bit of a cruel joke on Walgreens' part, methinks.
I stood in line observing the weird array of tubes and bottles on the Gondola-O-Sin, because I'm curious like that. Nothin' else to do when it's right in your face. But maybe I did so a bit too much, for I suddenly felt the weight of one of the elderly folk's stare as if she thought I was on the market for some lube.
I quickly repositioned my eyes to the aisle's end cap. And it was then that I saw the light: The AS SEEN ON TV!™ Merchandise.
Swivel Sweepers™. Orange Glo™. Smart Spin Storage System™. Billy's BootCamp™ fitness regimine in a box. DIGI Draw™. WhiteLight Tooth Whitening System™.
Now I don't need any of this Shit™, mind you, but suddenly wanted it all. I began salivating with delight at the notion of owning my own DIGI Draw™. Cleaning up unsightly pet stains with Orange Glo™. Control yourself, I said. Control yourself. Thankfully I did. I made it out with only buying my pills. But the impulse which transpired from that AS SEEN ON TV!™ end cap is still burning strong, and I'm fighting it as hard as I can.
Um. Anyone need any floor sweeping.. or pet stain removal performed? Just let me know. I will fly to Walgreens at the speed of light and be at your doorstep with long yellow gloves on and a bag full of these revolutionary products faster than you can say Born Yesterday.
