I have a bizarre phobia that I'm trying to come to terms with: the fear of being pooped on by a bird. I know what you're likely thinking: "I don't think you're the only one here. Does anyone really like being crapped on by birds?" No, of course not, but my fear lies at a bit more heightened level than most, I reckon.
If a bird flies overhead like that sparrow did on my lunch break yesterday, I do my best to get out of the line of fire. The other day I was outside with my dad at my parent's home in the country (a.k.a. Rancho Relaxo) and a "V" of about 40 geese passed over the house. Must admit, I pert near ran for cover in the garage. Door was shut though. Out of those 40 birds, odds are pretty high that one of them needed to open the hatch and drop the bomb, if you know what I'm sayin. And goose poop is no small affair, we're talkin', like, AA battery size here.
Was looking out my kitchen window on Sunday and there was a big fat ol' crow on the phone wire above the dumpster. He poofed his feathers out and stretched his wings while at the same time pooping on the dumpster. It was as if he was putting on a fancy dance to try and cover up the fact that he was pooping. Can't fool me though, and thank gawd I wasn't taking the trash out at that moment.. bullet dodged.
When I walk beneath a tree and one of its leaves touches the top of my head, I reach up and feel it to make sure it was just a leaf. When it's raining and a drop manages to make its way to my scalp, I get a little freaked out as well. I touch to make sure. And you know, now that I think of it touching could only be worse if it were indeed bird shit on my head, because then not only would it be on my head, but on my index, middle and ring fingers as well. Then what would I do? Time to start carrying moist towelettes around with me, I guess. Or a handy pocket mirror.
Snot that I don't like birds or fear them, it's the thought of being pooped on by one that makes me break out in a cold sweat and panic. Not sure how to alleviate this, I guess all I can do is live in fear and keep one eye up on the sky at all times. Or carry an umbrella 24/7. I say this because I see Michael Jackson walks beneath an umbrella all the time – maybe 'cause he's afraid of birds pooping on him, too.
Wish me luck. I will close this one out with an Uncle Rick classic:
Uncle Rick: "You know how birds fly in V's? Ever hear why one side of the V is always longer than the other?"
Us: "Um... no. Why?"
Uncle Rick: "Because there's more birds on one side."
