So - I'm working at the coffee shop, sitting at the laptop enjoying a pastry, and this giant dude with tattooed forearms, sort of a Hells Angels-meets-Harvey Fierstein grizzly bear beast walked in with a towel and a spray bottle. A bunch of friendly sounding remarks started pouring out of his huge head in a deep, southern drawl. "How y'all doin' this mornin'?" "Where's the smiles?" "Ooooh - eatin' breakfast and workin' - this guy knows how to do it right!"
Now that he thought he had us all buttered up, he went in for the kill. "Are you a manager?"
"I guess I'm one of them," I replied.
"Well let me show you this great product. Have y'all ever seen this brand of citrus cleaner before?" He whipped out a weathered looking fact sheet on the product.
"No."
"Well let me just show you how it works, I'll give y'all a little demonstration."
"No thanks, we're not interested."
"Aw come on, I know you folks been ripped off by other citrus cleaners, but this here's the real deal!"
"No thanks, we're not interested."
He started getting angry. "Well... people come in and see y'all's dirty floors and then they don't want to stay in here; it's affecting your business. I know you been ripped off by salespeople before, but I ain't here to rip you off. People see these dirty floors and that's why your business sucks."
"Gee, that's great salesmanship you've got there."
"Let me just give you a demonstration."
"No thanks, we're not interested."
"Just hold on now." He knelt down, after the "that's why your business sucks" comment, mind you, and sprayed some of his magical life-changing citrus potion on the floor, and wiped it off. "See?"
"No thanks, we're selling the store, not buying anything, not interested."
He then got really mad, said a few more things about not ripping us off, turned around, headed for the door and on his way out, said "WELL THAT'S WHY YOUR BUSINESS SUCKS!"
"Get the fawk owda heeeeyer," I said in my best Southern accent. For a second, I thought he was going to turn around, come back in, and pound me into the ground with one of his fists. Thankfully he kept on walking; he had a lot of other places to hit up and get turned down.
Now there is a nice 6" x 12" clean stripe of the middle of the coffee shop floor from this miracle business-attracting citrus cleaner, and I'll be damned if our business hasn't tripled because of it. People actually now prefer to stand on that 6" x 12" area; I see some people even make sure one of their feet is touching the clean spot. Those people tend to leave the store feeling rejuvenated and ready to start the day.
Somewhere out there, there's that big guy with the Southern accent carrying the fountain of youth in a bottle. If you see him, stop him for a demonstration. It just might change your life. Or maybe it will change his life back into the carjacking, burglarizing frenzy it once was so he can get thrown back into the slammer to worry about a different kind of cleaner altogether: the soap he'll drop in the showers while he's standing in front of Big Bubba.
