Can you hear me now?

I'm sitting at the coffee shop looking for work and listening to yet another pompous asshole talk way too loud on his cellular device. This happens about 8 out of 10 times I sit in coffee shops and although I'm all about getting to know the people around me, there's a time and a place. Last Friday I was at Starbucks trying to update my resume and was too distracted listening to some lass with her headset on a few tables away talking about how she was in Minnesota now and how hot it was.

Back to present time: I'm about 20 feet away from Mr. Cellphone, and thanks to the acoustics of the room, his voice is reverberating throughout it like we're in the Grand Canyon. I sure am getting to know him well. Need proof?

By most people's health standards he's very healthy. He ran yesterday training for a marathon and his goal was 4 hours. Guess what he finished at? 3:59:23! Hahaha!! Oh, wow he's so healthy. He's wearing shorts.. is that okay? He's planning on wearing them to lunch unless the person on the other end of the phone thinks otherwise. He did shave just for him/her, though. Hahaha!!

Yeah, real funny! I hear there's some open mic nights at Acme Comedy Co. that you might want to look into, dude. Here's something else that would be real funny: Use your inside voice for once. Don't be the annoying cell phone person. Please. For the love of Gawd. For the love of respect. For the love of me not taking the straw out of my iced mocha, getting up out of my chair, shoving that straw into your eye socket, pulling it out, and blowing through the straw to shoot the tube of eye I just removed from your head into your face.

Cell phones are great things. So you get a brain tumor or two with prolonged use.. they do come in handy more often than not. Other than the obvious car breakdown/emergency practicalities, I've found them to be quite useful when I forget my slide at band practice. They're also great for pretending I'm having a conversation when the need arises, such as when I'm walking around in the city and see a transient attempting to make eye contact with me to axsk me for spare monies that I ain't got. Cell phones are great to play with when you're bored. I also like carrying a cell phone around because it creates a cumbersome buldge in my back pocket that I often forget about and sit on.

Back to cell phone etiquette 101. 3 things that would make this world a better place in regards to cell phone use:

1. Use your inside voice
2. Weaving around the roads is fun and all, but pull over if you can't drive and talk on your cell simultaneously.
3. You don't need to wear that cell phone earpiece when you're pumping gas or in line getting coffee. We all appreciate the fact that you are in such demand and so important, but quite frankly, you look like an idiot. I saw a guy yesterday at the PUMP-N-MUNCH gas station (yes, that's the real name - this particular gentleman was Pumping, and perhaps wondering what to go in to get so he could then Munch). He was wearing a cell phone apparatus in his ear which looked like a cross between a McDonalds drive thru headset and a botched design for a Buck Rogers communication device. Beedeebeedeebeedee.
   

Such simple things to do, yet so few cell phone users seem to be capable of following through with them. When I answer my calls in public, I am very careful with making sure I carry my conversations to a secluded area so other people don't have to listen to my yammering. I also make sure to keep my phone on vibrate under such circumstances so when I am called, not everybody needs to be up to date with what ringtone I have chosen as of late. Not to mention it's good to have your phone on vibrate when having a fake conversation - 'cause it would look quite peculiar to a transient/would-be-axe-murderer if you were yacking away to your imaginary friend and the phone rang.

One more thing: if you're talking to someone in the room and get a call, unless it's a life or death emergency type of situation, show some respect to the person you're already talking to and take the call later.

Pardon me, I have an incoming call.