Our doggy Beans is a fan of the squeaky toys. Moreso than most dogs I've known. Recently I have come to the conclusion that like a dolphin, she uses her squeaks as a form of communication. I know this because I rented a dolphin squeak decoder from the place down the street and have been processing her squeaky toy noises through it. Here's a few translated quotes I've received thus far:
"I know you're on the phone right now, but I don't care and am going to squeak this thing anyways."
"I sure am cute with this dirty pheasant toy in my mouth, aren't I? Listen - when I bite on it, it makes a noise!"
"I am going to accompany this television show you're trying to watch with some squeaking!"
"Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! Good morning!"
"Kimb's here! Kimb's here! Kimb's here!"
"I just ate out of the catbox and hope that this squeaky toy will help alleviate the strange taste in my mouth!"
"Boy, that walk was fun!"
"I want to eat our neighbor's lawn!"
Those are just a few.
Seeing that her squeaking sessions can last up to 5-10 minutes in one sitting, I've decided that maybe there can be a way for her to get her squeak on while at the same time not driving me to the point of wanting to drop kick the squeakies into a busy intersection for them to meet their makers. All I'm looking for is an occasional moment of silence so I can regroup every now and then.
After putting my thinking cap on, I've figured it out! I'm going to develop a squeaker that still squeaks loud and clear, but only does so at dog whistle pitch. Dog whistles are barely audible to the human ear, but dogs can certainly hear them (they're called dog whistles, for crying out loud). If Beans were to squeak something I could not hear, I would actually encourage her to squeak like she's never squeaked before rather than start to tweak after a couple of minutes. I would buy her so many squeaky toys that our place would look like those rooms that kids play in that are full of plastic balls. It would be like swimming in squeaky toys 24/7. There would be so many squeaky toys that we'd need snorkeling gear to ensure we'd be getting adequate amounts of oxygen. Other dogs would be jealous of all the squeakies Beans would have. We would get rid of the furniture because all we'd have to do when we wanted to sit is shovel a big pile of squeaky toys together and plop down. And of course they would all squeak and this would make Beans happy. I would buy so many that it would be safe to say there'd be a 5 to 6 foot accumulation of squeakies within one week's time. Even I would pick one up with my mouth and squeak it on occasion if that were the case. We could conduct strange experiments on the squeaky toys and still have an abundance of them leftover for Beans to play with.
I'm starting to like this idea! I'm contacting Hartz first thing in the morning and selling this idea to them.
Then after that, I'm going to develop a box spring that my cat won't want to crawl into and sharpen his claws at 2 in the morning on a daily basis. And a cat litter box that smells like fresh baked bread immediately after being eliminated in.
One thing a a time, though.
