Today is Thanksgiving, the day that officially kicks off the holiday season. Woo hoo! Before heading off to my mom's to munch on mounds of turkey carcass and stuffing, I shall display my Thanksgiving cheer by writing a little bit about what I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday.I, Micycle Tricycle, am thankful for:
- never allowing myself to let my friends use my bare ass as a dartboard.
- the idea that there may be some rich relative nobody knows about that's going to die any minute now and leave me piles of money, a Segway scooter, and a mansion. I'll share with my family by getting them all magazine subscriptions or adopting a highway on their behalf.
- the fact that I don't have to see Dr. Asshole today
- that I am not mentally retarded (some would beg to differ)
- my sweet-ass haircut. It makes me want to kiss the mirror. Damn, I'm handsome.
- My cat. Not because he's my best friend, but because he has no idea that if I one day decided to stop feeding him, he'd starve to death. Such power I have. It's like being God.
- ignorance. I'm able to be completely ignorant to the fact that my life sucks so bad right now. Cheers!
- Holly Nog. All of that great eggnog flavor with a lot less guilt.
- my brother going back to Cleveland on Tuesday so all of the attention can be focused back on me, the most important one.
- the notion of going to my mom's tonight to eat a freshly slaughtered turkey that never had a chance to live life to its fullest and die of old age.
- my artistic abilities enabling me to draw really good pictures of dogs defecating.
- the fact that I didn't park on Cedar Ave. the night some kids slashed everyone's tires. If you did, ha ha! You suck.
- My brother's homemade fart compilation CD.
- Wireless internet access that allows you to check your email while taking a dump if you feel so inclined.
- My ticket I got last week for having expired tabs. Thanks, Minneapolis! Glad I could help pitch in for the new light rail transit system.
- the gummy stars I licked and stuck on my shoes while seeing the Incredibles 2 weeks ago. They're still on there and looking good.
- The movie "Lost In Translation" - I can tell in a lot of scenes that Scarlett Johansson is thinking about how much she misses me.
- the new Grand Theft Auto game teaching us that it's funny to kill cops and innocent civilians, and the fact that you can get shot multiple times and still run away from them. I had no idea!
- the Sammy Hagar cassette I shoplifted in 6th grade. Because of that, I've always been $7.99 ahead in the bank.
- the customers at the coffee shop that compliment me on how fast I am. Little do they know, it's because I just want them to get the hell away from me so I can go sit down and surf the internet.
- The piles and piles of cheap D cell batteries I have and will never use.
- The Olivia Newton-John "Physical" video. Meee-ow!
- as much as I use the phrase "gouge my eyes out with a No. 2 pencil," I still haven't really done it to this day.
- the fact that yet another day has gone by without another $2,000 vet bill
- this year I will window shop, and think about what I would get everyone for the holidays if I actually had any money
- the fact that I have never taken a brick and smashed my face in with it.
That's good enough for now. I hope you enjoyed my list and that it sparked the true spirit of Thanksgiving in each and all of your hearts.
Let's eat!
