Now you can be taller too!

I was on the way to Home Depot to get the final gallon of paint for my place to ensure that the only white things left in it are the ceiling and myself. Was cranking one of the best talk shows ever (The Mischke Broadcast) on the "optional AM radio" as it says in the Pinto's owners manual when a mock advertisement came on for a product called Height Max. "Ah that silly Mischke," I thought to myself. "Always goofing around.."

The ad went on and on about how you take these pills so you can be taller, how it really works, is all natural, a revolutionary product, blah blah blah. I waited with a smirk on my face for the punch line at the end of the spot, yet there was none. Just a phone number and stores where you can buy it.

It turns out this is a real thing, with a really clever and intuitive name, might I add. You can now evidently take pills to grow taller. Is this what the world is coming to? No cure for the common cold, there's people that don't know how to read out there, research that needs to be done on cancer, MS, and a billion other things, yet some group of people in lab coats standing over Bunsen burners, Erlenmeyer flasks and beakers full of green bubbly liquid have found a cure for people who want to be taller?

They come with a 30 day money back guarantee, too. That's sort of scary. You take pills and can simply grow taller in less than a few weeks? Doesn't that sound sort of... weird? People, if you're sad that everyone's taller than you, there's a less expensive and more fashionable way to go about this. And there's no waiting for results, as you see them immediately. Talk to this guy:



See? He's got it all figured out: the boots, and ultra strong cable to hoist his old, flabby 300 pound frame up above everybody else that's around him so he can feel more confident and secure in himself.

And what if an already tall person such as this guy took these Height Max pills? Would he just grow even taller or would his body just freak out not knowing what to do with itself? If the latter of the two is the result, he could very well end up looking like Joey Ramone. Don't do it, Pete.

What if the pills got lost on the way down the hatch and instead of making you taller made you grow horizontally? Where exactly does the height grow at? Do your feet get thicker? Legs longer? Cranium grow more on the top? When you stop taking the pills, do you shrink back to your original condition? I want answers.

If they can do this, I want to see pills that make people shorter. I want pills that make my hair grow slightly in reverse so I can take pills instead of getting haircuts. Hows about pills that assist you in finding your car keys when you lose them at the Uptown? Or pills that makes water taste like chocolate milk..

I don't know why I found it to be so surprising that there is now a pill out there that allegedly makes you taller, but lo and behold.. just when you think you've heard it all, pow! Now you can be taller too!