To anyone who has participated in making my year what it turned out to be, thank you. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Well... Maybe other than not having a job for so long.. But other than that, yeah. Homey is one happy monkey these days.
So without further ado, I present to you
2005: A Micycle Icicle Retrospective (complete and unabridged)
- For those of you flirting with the notion of time travel, FYI: January through June of 2005 was not a good time to be looking for a decent paying job. So bring money with you if you go.
- Two words: I've been to New fuckin' York, and I plan on returning.
- Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is still the cheesiest. Which in Macaroni and Cheese terms means “the orangy-est in color”.
- Until this Fall I hadn’t had my own place in quite some time. I was surprised to discover that I’m more tidy than I thought, and that I really enjoy the strategic placement of my belongings. I guess some people would refer to that as “decorating”
- Paying for coffee all the time now is not really all that fun.
- If you're going to move out of your apartment, try and time it so it's at the same time that they've sold the buildings and are converting them into condos. You don't have to clean shit when that happens. Just get your stuff out, collect your damage deposit, and Pass Go.
- I have yet to see Leon Redbone perform and have no idea how old he is (I don't think anyone really does), so am not sure how much time is left for me to see him before he checks out.
- I always fear that my songwriting well is going to run dry. This year it did exactly the opposite and shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon.
- Martha Stewart’s new show is actually pretty good, at least the few episodes I’ve seen. I still don’t get that t-shirt folding trick..
- I really miss Mitch Hedberg.
- I’m not bitching about plane fares anymore or worrying too much about gas prices when going out to visit moms and pops. I was just talking to a girl at the store who just spent $1300 to go to Ethiopia and see her family.
- I’m very picky when it comes to picking out shower curtains. You probably wouldn’t think so if you were to walk into my bathroom to see hundreds of cartoon teeth and clouds staring at you.
- Don't let someone else's goofy decisions fuck things up for you and your outlook on others. Pick up and move on; life is too short to waste on such poppycock.. you never know what's going to be around the corner.
- Just because it’s your favorite color doesn’t mean it looks good on the bedroom walls.
- When pounding a small circular piece of jewelry flat on a basement floor with a ball pein hammer, it gets very warm to the touch. Let it cool down, otherwise when you pick it up you throw it from the instant burning pain and lose it.
- After a few years off, I’m still a pretty dern good cook if I do say so myself. I was making dinner on a daily basis for quite a while this year and hope to get back into that groove in 2006. Just wish I had an oven whose numbers weren’t worn off of the knobs. Whenever I‘m baking, all I can set the oven to is 300-sumpin sumpin.
- In this day and age of computers, a person hardly ever writes by hand anymore. This year I realized that over the past few years my penmanship has gone from impeccable to sloppy as all shit; it's kindergarten level at best and sad thing is I don't even care or want to put any effort into fixing it.
- Contrary to popular belief, there is such thing as luck with finding incredibly awesome, dependable drummers.
- I still prefer giving over receiving. *cough*
- This year a few new Diet Coke varieties were put on shelves: Zero and with Splenda. Attn. Diet Coke: If it ain't broke, don't fix it, you fuckers. I could have spent that $2.18 I wasted on a bottle to try each of those on something else.
- Ears are for more than just hearing. I learned this year that if I didn't have them, I'd have nowhere to put my pencil when marking the walls for hanging up curtain rods (I don't stick it in my ear, I tuck it in between my head and upper left ear).
- Paying bills isn't as easy or rewarding as it sounds the day before payday.
- The more I move, the more stuff I throw out.
- The more I move, the more stuff I lose. I used to have, like, 3 tape measures. Now I use a piece of string.
- Having a full time job is awesome.
- Having a full time job really sucks.
- Ben Folds Five really needs to get back together. And the Stray Cats. And the Po-leese. Come on, Sting, you can do it. Same goes for every other trio that I love so. I likes me my trios. Speaking of, Melvins really need to come back to Grumpys. I miss that.
- There is someone really, really awesome out there with green eyelids.
- The MAC store on Lake and Hennepin in Uptown is a makeup store. I just thought what I saw in there were really small Macintosh computers and that the small tube I bought there was a portable data storage device (turns out it's just lipstick. And I lost the dang receipt!) I was wondering why they kept offering me a free makeover.
- On that note, I also learned that my suggested makeup colors are "autumnal".
- People can be wise beyond their years, but sometimes they're just wise beyond a few of those years.
- The first snowfall of the season no longer excites me and gives me warm fuzzies. This year it was more "Aaaaaa F*&K! Not that stuff again!"
- My ideal McDonalds feast is still a double cheeseburger and a bigass Diet Coke.
- The McDonalds in the Bloomington Wal-Mart sells the old school deep fried apple pies. NUMS! (Hush up, anti Wal-Mart whistleblowers and just let me enjoy my pie)
- Honesty is the best policy.
- Best Buy's electronics return policy is not the best policy.
- 2005 marked the end of late fees at Blockbuster Video. It also marked the inception of "restocking fees".. those clever bastards!
- Do not consign your band's CDs at Cheapo if you ever want to see those CDs again, or the profits from said CDs.
- Chances are if you have a notion that some shit is going down that you feel you need to be aware of, speak up - 'cause chances are that shit is goin' down alright, and then some.
- I've been using crayons for most of my life now and still am hoping that "next year" will be the year Crayola makes a clear crayon called Water. Clean Air would also suffice as a great name for such a "color", or lack thereof
- I learned last month that a large chockit shake at White Castle is large enough to feed a family of 5.
- This year I became an expert at picking up very hard to reach quarters with a stick and some duct tape.
- I work with somebody that likes to chew on pens. Maybe in the upcoming year I'll buy a bunch of pens, dip them in Nails No Bite and bring em to work.
- No matter how poor you are, it seems there's always money for important things like cigarettes, coffee and beer.
- I'm tempted to make a few good inside jabs at a person or three in this year-end thing who would not find it the least bit amusing, but don't really want to now because it's a waste of time, not worth my energy and I’m better than that. Okay, so maybe one or two slipped through the cracks and I suck. But it all made me what I yam today and I wouldn't change a thing.
- Don't leave butter to soften on a cast iron skillet, even if the stovetop seems cool. Otherwise you'll end up with a butter wrapper swimming in a pool of melted butter and a crazy ass mess to clean up. Also:
- Always keep some chicken on hand just in case you do leave butter in the skillet. With a little effort and 30 minutes, dinner will be ready. Also:
- If you're a vegetarian, keep some chicken on hand anyhow.. fried chicken smells really good.
- One of my resolutions for 2005 was to go to an open mic standup comedy thing and have at it with an unsuspecting audience that would likely have no idea what I was talking about. Maybe next year when I have enough money to pay for a laugh track to fill in the awkward silence.
- If you smoke and like to blow soap bubbles, next time you're around kids try blowing smoke into a bubble. It looks really cool and lets kids know that smoking looks cool and is fun. (that was a joke.. JOKE, people! I juss keeeedeeng!)
- I played my first official full set of solo acoustic music last January and things haven't let up since (thanks for the gig, Folkerts.. or Shannon.. or whomever put the bill together!)
- I sold a lot of my CDs, games and movies the first part of this year. I don't really miss them, but more often than not I find myself looking for a CD and wondering who the Hell stole it from me.
- Windex put out a MultiTask solution this year. At least that's the first I'd heard of it. It's a great product. I hope that next year they make such a thing that can also be used as a cooking spray. Cleaning stuff isn't really multi-task. Cleaning and cooking however? Mm Hmm.
- I realized this year that I'm a pretty smart dood. Example: Was chatting with someone the other day about popcorn. Turns out they hate popcorn. My response was "Maybe your problem is you're eating it unpopped?"
- Pressing CTRL Enter when writing an email in Outlook will send the message, even if you're not done. Good thing I wasn't writing a nasty email.
- If you wear stylish green moon boots, that means you are toadilly awesome.
- I really like salt. This year more so than other years.
- When walking into an elevator in which someone has just gassed, don't try and pry laughs out of your co-worker by talking about egg salad. It works, and it embarrasses the person responsible for the funk.
- When making small talk with your disabled blind neighbor who tells you she doesn't work anymore because of her disability, don't tell her she's "lucky"..
- Don't keep your spare keys in your apartment. You might have to break into your bathroom window to get them someday.
- Mixing cookie dough in a skillet isn't as good of an idea as it may sound.
- My dream of paying for things in gumballs isn't really the best idea.. gumballs aren't all that cheap.
- We Love Katamari is the best game ever.
- My job has taught me that many customers really are helpless eediots. No, really. Trust me. You have no idea.
- After all these years, I still get shit for eating pizza and donuts with a fork. My brother does this too so I know at least I’m not the only one..
- It’s really going to suck next year when I move out and have to paint my walls back to white.
- “Maybe the problem is that you’re just looking in the wrong place.”
- I still have a lot to learn,
- Such as how to properly swim.
- I’m always learning that many more of you read my blog thingies than I think, and that many of yas come back to read it on a regular basis. And that there are a lot of anonymous Meat Smoothie lurkers out there. I appreciate the fact that you stop by and it’s neat to know I’m apparently amusing someone other than myself here. Right? Right..? Is this thing still on?
- That said, a lot of people know a lot of ridiculous, useless shit about me. I guess that’s cool.
- If you complain a lot and think your life is going to shit, look at it this way: If you’re not stuck in a hospital bed with a life threatening disease, chances are your life isn’t all that bad. Your decisions or lack thereof likely put you where you are, and you need to quit your damned bitching and do sumpin about it.
- Holy shit, I’m a wordy sonofabitch. I think it’s time to wrap this up and call it a year.
2006 is gonna rule. I can tell already. I’ll leave you with a great safety tip to remember for your New Years Holiday: Have an absolutely fantastic time, but always remember after drinking too much to pass out face down instead of face up so that you don’t die choking on your own vomit. Not to mention - it keeps the dog busy cleaning up after you and there’s less chance that he’s going to hop up on the counter and eat the potato chips and hors douvres you left out from the party.
Ew, that was sorta gross.
