Kimb and I embarked on a journey to good ol' historic Southern MN over the weekend which took place in Winona, MN. Have you ever been? I'm guessing that's most of you probably haven't, save for driving through it on your way to an actual destination. Dear homies in the Berkman clan: I'm hoping you will chuckle at this post rather than want to tar and feather me for making light of your lovely hometown.
Arrival: Saturday, 3pm.
There was an outdoor town festival taking place in Winona which is what brought us there in the first place. The festival consisted of a lot of wind accompanied by approximately 10-12 tables and a stage where some poor bloke was crooning his heart out behind an acoustic guitar to the delight of his five or six audience members (aka friends and family). I will share with you the major highlights of this festival:
1) Running across Main St. to get to the festival
2) Seeing a real live donkey at a Democratic activist table. As our backs were turned I reckon the donkey caused a bit of a ruckus because there was a bit of noise in that area, but by the time we turned our heads, the donkeymaster had his ass under control.
That would have been pretty cool if the donkey went nuts like you see elephants doing on those tv shows... taking the power back by biting a child, kicking a $1.50 styrofoam cup of lukewarm organic coffee out of some old lady's hand and sending the citizens of Winona all running amok and whatnot. But this ass seemed to have his shit together.
After we spent a good 5 or 6 minutes at the festival, it was time to move on and see what else the city had to offer.
After driving around for a half hour, I finally saw something breathtaking and spectacular: a really nice Fleet Farm. They have a river there, too. And don't let me forget the JC Penny, which is rated the #1 top shop in Winona on YAHOO!
The one thing that floored me is we did not see ONE Caribou or Starbucks. Winona is a college town - and where there is college, you can bet your life that there is a Caribou and/or Starbucks within stumbling distance of the campus. But not here. Nope - not a single one. Kudos to you, Winona. I thought both of those places had set up shop damn near everywhere, but they must have somehow looked past your town (maybe it doesn't show up on a lot of maps they look at).
After the drive and a stellar dining experience at the local Steak N Cake (guess what's on their menu?), we hit the local antique shop which for whatever reason I don't remember much of. But yup, they had some antiques.
And here's the "Maybe Not Such A Good Idea" portion of the trip. There was absolutely nothing to do, so we hit up the local cinema that night for a taste of Hollywood. There was nothing particularly appealing showing, but we figured maybe "The Amityville Horror" would liven things up a little bit. Oh, it did. Because after the movie, we suddenly remembered we were staying in a turn of the century house not unlike the one in the film.
Needless to say, a peaceful, relaxing night of rest was ahead. We stood like vibrating mannequins in the dead silent room with creepy wallpaper (like in the movie), a teddy bear (like in the movie), and lovely antique wrought iron heating duct vents (also just like in the movie). All lights were left on and doors open. I'll forever remember as I was trying to sleep the calmness and sedate feelings that overcame me staring up at that heating vent waiting for it to tell me to go kill people and then spitting out a million flies on my face.
Up early the next morning and we got the Hell out of Dodge. It was actually a great time even though there was really nothing to do or see - sometimes the most simple, mundane experiences like that can be the most entertaining ones. The one thing we couldn't stop pondering on our way past the city limits was "What the HELL do people do in that town? Where do they work?" Certainly Fleet Farm and JC Penny can't be the sole backbone of Winona's economy.
I know what I'm gonna do: I'm opening up a Caribou in Winona. There will be lines wrapped around city blocks of people waiting to get in. I'll remember all of you when I'm at the top of the financial mountain counting my millions of dollars - and then remembering that I'm stuck in Winona and there isn't a single f*&king thing to do with all of that money.
Other than maybe pay the Winona Polish Museum a couple extra dollars to stay open past 2pm on weekends so's I can resolve any and all of my historic Polish curiosities and admire some sweet-ass ancient Polish artifacts. Because as the buzz phrase of the weekend stated, "there ain't nuthin' better to do here."
