If I had money, I'd buy me a plane ticket to St. Peter's Basilica right this very minute and wait in line with the other million people to hopefully walk by and catch a glimpse of the Pope's cadaver. In my left pocket I would be harboring a Sharpie and 1 cigarette. In my right pocket, I would be carrying a mouse.
Just as it was my turn to walk past the Pope display, I would ever so gently reach into my right pocket, grab the mouse, and let him loose. A major ruckus would ensue, as does happen when a mouse is on the loose. And as the ruckus was ensuing and all eyes/ears of the thousands there (security guards included) were on the mouse, I would reach into my left pocket and grab my Sharpie and cancer stick.
I would look in all directions to make sure the mouse panic was in full force, carefully remove the cap from the Sharpie and draw a nice pencil-thin John Waters moustache on the Pope's upper lip. I would then gently pry his bottom lip down with my right hand thumb and index finger and slip the cigarette in his mouth.
That would be awesome.
Why did they just make the Pope lay there like that while he's on display? I mean, I've been to a few taxidermy offices in my day and they manage to put life back into dead things. Wolves frozen in time snarling with their eyes open, giant bears standing upright with their mighty claws exposed and ready to kill.... why not do something like that with the Pope? Put him at a ping pong table holding a paddle and playing against a wax replica of Forrest Gump. Strap a guitar on him and position him in a manner in which he would appear to be rocking out. Or they could have taken a more subtle route by still having him lay down, but on one hand bend his index, ring and pinky fingers in so he'd be flipping the birdie to the world.
Death is no laughing matter, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. When it's my time to go by all means, draw a moustache on me or write "BOOBIES" on my forehead. Prop a cigar in my mouth and carry me around to parties like they did with that guy in Weekend At Bernie's. I insist.
