Just like in other large towns, here in Minneapolis we have a hearty population of panhandlers that stand at stoplights with cardboard signs that display messages such as "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" and "BOOZE FREE, NEED MONEY FOR FOOD". Let me tell you, there's nothing better than having the misfortune of driving the car that stops first at the red light right next to these outstanding humans. You sit there for what seems to be an eternity waiting for the light to turn green pretending you don't see them standing there. Sometimes the real good ones will walk down the line of cars attempting to make eye contact with the drivers.
9.9 out of ten times when you're walking down the street around here (or even standing at the gas pump), you get somebody walking up and asking you for change. When my band was loading out at First Avenue at 1am last month, one gentlemen went so far as to befriend us, telling us how good our band was and how he heard us from outside - all the while I was thinking to meself 'He's going to ask for money in 5...4...3....2......'. He insisted on helping Big Johnson load his bass cabinet into his car by basically jumping on top of it and lifting it before we could turn him down, and then held his hand out saying "Come on... help a brother out!" We helped him out by telling him thank you and to have a good night.
This is just the tip of the iceberg with transients and their panhandling techniques in the Twin Cities. And guess what? Here's how Minneapolis wants to fix it:
Minneapolis May Require License To Beg
Oh. My. Gawd.
Let me rephrase that headline: Minneapolis May Require License Which Gives People Full Permission To Be A Pain In The Ass For Something They Shouldn't Be Doing in the First Place.
So now when I'm at that red light on Lyndale and the I94 exit, I could potentially have panhandlers showing me their Beggar's License as even more incentive for me to hand over money I don't have because they've been given the green light to do so. If this becomes a reality and panhandlers end up using their license as a guilt trip when I'm walking down the sidewalk (which you can bet your arse will happen just like you can count on George Bush saying the word "nucular"), I want a city-issued license of my own for us non-beggars. I already have the perfect design in mind. It will be a large white badge you wear around your neck that says this:
NO!
I know life is hard for these people and am thankful I've never had to panhandle (although I've come close!), but it gets incredibly annoying when you're going for a walk, trying to buy gas, etc., and you're constantly being asked for change. A month ago I was getting out of my car to go into the house and before I even opened the car door, someone was approaching the Pinto and asking me for change. Being the generous soul I am, I declined as I usually do. Call me Scrooge, but remember the fact that I don't have a f*&king job! Not that I'd be handing out money if I were employed, but..
Minneapolis: if you make this license a reality, a license for something people shouldn't be doing in the first place, I would prefer that you take some other license ideas to heart.
- License to roll through stop signs
- License to shoplift from convenience stores
- License to not pay taxes anymore
- License for people who drive Pintos to get free gasoline
- License to steal cable television/internet service
- License to just take the free one in a "buy one get one free" offer
- License to slap whoever's idea this Beggar's License was every time I'm asked for change from now on
