You may or may not have heard that the Mall-O-America's Camp Snoopy lost the rights to use America's most beloved sassy little beagle and his medicine ball-headed posse of Peanuts co-horts as their mascots. Camp Snoopy, once a Mall-O-America tradition, is no more. Wicked pisser, man.Yet the rides remain and they're open for business under the name "The Park at MOA" or sumpin like that until further notice. I read in the paper today that they've got some excellent leads on a new brand name to attach to this ridiculous monstrosity enclosed in a hard candy shell of frivolous retail excess.
So naturally, my mind gets to wandering as to what lucky familiar entity will be setting up shop as the next flagship identity for The Park at the Mall.
Camp Abercrombie Run by a bunch of Chad-looking guys wearing weathered baseball hats, cargo shorts, flannel shirts and flip flops. Signs in front of rides read YOU MUST BE THIS GOOD LOOKING TO RIDE and below the verbiage is a picture of 2 scantly clad waifish ambiguous models. Ugly kids will have to once again settle for the 25 cent 4 pony carousels outside of K Mart stores.
Camp Cinnabon Your ride tickets come with free Cinnabon "bons" which you have to eat 3 of before embarking on a ride, the "bon" bag which you are told to hold onto to double as a barf bag.
Camp Target You know these fuckers have to be bidding on the park. Actually that's the one thing the mall is missing right now, so it would only make sense.
Camp Sears They could just gut all of those silly rides out and set up a bunch of lawn tractors for people to sit on and do that thing where they pretend to steer the wheel like they're actually driving it.
Camp Sharper Image All rides would be operated via remote control, have ionic air purifying systems installed, and lots of life sized Darth Vader statues would be setup throughout the park.
Camp Poopy This one would of course be the way to go. A happy little turd with eyes could be the mascot, and standard employee uniform would be the POOP shirt like the one I bought last week at the SMB show.
Yeah, I like that one. It rhymes with the old name, so there would still be that phonetic thing that people could relate to for nostalgia's sake. Turd shaped Mylar balloons. It could possibly skyrocket the phony dog poo gag back into popularity.. but of course being an amusement park with a poo for a mascot, they'd have to hot glue googley eyes on it and put it in a cute package in order to move product.
How cool would it be to approach the door of one of the Camp Poopy restrooms and have a nice happy cutout of a cartoon poo above the sign on the door to greet you as you walked in? And don't even get me started on what you could buy on a stick there.
I'm putting on a suit and tie, taking a briefcase to the mall (it will be empty, but will make a good impression), and putting in an offer. I'll be sure to talk it up real good, 'cause I've only got $5 to give them and make this thing a secure agreement.
