Whenever I see the Cool New People blurb on MySpace, I have to admit that I get a little green with envy. I think back to when I first enrolled for a MySpace account and wonder if I was ever featured in the Cool New People window. That's a bad time to be a Cool New Person, 'cause at that time you usually don't have proper MySpace etiquette (which some never acquire, but that’s a different story) and have not made full use of the technology and page tweaking available to you. I’ll be the first to admit, my page was pretty lame back when I was a Cool New Person. Not saying it’s any monument of perfection now, but it’s definitely better than it was back then.
How "Cool" is it really to go to someone's page and see so-and-so has 1 friend, that being MySpace Tom... and all fields say things like "I will update this SOON LOL" That's not fuckin' cool. You've got to give it some time before you deem someone Cool like that. It puts too much pressure on the new users. It’s like buying ingredients for dinner, putting them in the Frigidaire and calling your dinner “delicious” before it’s even assembled. Perhaps they screen people prior to enrolling these days and have a pretty good hunch of which new people are worthy of the Cool stamp. I dunno. This all just seems a little bass-ackwards, if you axsk me.
That said, I have an idea. It may give us all a chance to be in the Cool New People window again and if not, it will at least be a fun little gag to play on MySpace Tom:
Phase I: We all need to pick a specific date and time where we all simultaneously close our MySpace accounts and then sign up for new ones. Everyone at the same time. I’m not just talking about you people reading this, I’m talking about the other billion users who have been on this thing for a while now, too. Just you imagine the ruckus that would ensue in MySpace Tom’s mommy’s basement… ER-, I mean, the Secret MySpace Headquarters. He would be running amok watching the servers smoking something fierce trying to keep up with all of the Pac Man being deployed upon all of the newer users who weren’t in on this buffoonery. His dot matrix printer would be shooting paper out like crazy. It will be like that scene in Weird Science where the dog is sitting on the ceiling barking and pianos and sofas are getting sucked into fireplaces and up out of the chimneys. Weird shit like that.
Phase II: 15 minutes later we would then all simultaneously sign up for new accounts and wreak even more Pac Man havoc on Tom and the newer users. And in the end we would technically be Cool New People and have a second shot at being pimped in that way. But we’ll already be cooler than the former Cool New People, ‘cause we’re experienced, therefore our pages will look bitchin’ right off the bat. So, let's all figure out a day when we can do this. Check your planners and get back to me.
