And then after saving up tips from bartending at the VFW, you'd pool all of that money together and do something crazy, like buy a pet giraffe, name it Tommy and ride it across the country? And then people would start recognizing you as that guy that's riding the giraffe across the country? And each night you'd have a place to stay and eat because people who knew of you would want to say that they played host to that giraffe guy and that they fed him whatever they had left in the freezer because they weren't expecting giraffe guy to appear from out of nowhere but wanted to be hospitable?
And then at some point along the cross country ride you'd acquire an awesome old hat/goggle and scarf getup like the Red Baron used to wear which you would then wear while riding your giraffe the rest of the way as your trademark?
And then your giraffe would catch pneumonia while transporting you through the mountains and the whole world would be talking about it and start a "Save Tommy" fund to pay for those ungodly expensive giraffe repair bills? And fan websites would pop up all over the place and shit, with maps that have little giraffe icons on the places you've been along the way, tracking your journey? You know, sort of an underground following like in the Helen/Christian Slater 1985 epic film The Legend of Billie Jean?
And once you reached the end of your travels, haven't you always wanted to buy an old gas station in the middle of nowhere with a fenced in backyard where your giraffe could retire and munch on foliage, and it would become a novelty thing that people would want to visit so they could pet the giraffe and shake your hand? And buy giraffe guy novelty items? And then people like Steve Buscemi would stop in while driving through town for some of that world famous homemade chocolate bread he'd heard about? And Peter Fonda would be riding through in a pack of Harleys and they'd all stop in for a fill-up, a bowl of chili, and a can of jerky snuff for the road? And they'd all pet your giraffe and give you an autograph, but not before asking for yours because you're the "giraffe guy"?
What... you've never thought of that?
Hm.. me either, I guess, up until now.
Don't mind me, I'm just suffering from day 3 of an incredibly nasty, inexplicable bout with insomnia.
You've got to admit, that would all be pretty f*&king cool, though.
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