.. and to instill selfish false expectations in the children of today.
I fed the vending mat-cheen at work 70 cents, punched the Coke badge on the face of it and got me a nice vitamin fortified can of Coke for breakfast today as I like to do every so often.
Clumpety clump CLUMP! Out came my refreshing can of Coke. It’s almost December and the decorative cans are now out – mine was one of these new "winter" cans which reads GIVE LIVE LOVE and has polar bears and snowflakes on it.
What I'm wondering is what ever happened to Santa? Put him back on the cans, man. Everything is becoming so neutral in this day and age of political correctness; it's stupid. Things have come to a point where they had to put polar bears on a sodie pop can in lieu of Sandee Claws, because oooooh my we don't want to offend anyone now, do we?
I'm not saying this because of religious reasons as some might think - I'm about as religious as a bucket full of pancake batter. Christian shmishtian. Sure, I grew up with the Sandee Claws thing and I get all nostalgic when I think about it. But that's not what it's about either.
What the Christmas spirit truly means to me is receiving. As a kid, of course. That's what it boils down to: you get a shitload of toys and other fun stuff from everybody without lifting so much as a finger. And the true beauty of it is that people don't expect anything back from kids because they don't have jobs and aren't expected to pull their weight like that in life just yet. Yeah, sometimes a parent will buy things for others and slap the kid's name in the From: area of the tag, but you're not fooling anyone with that move. Honestly, when's the last time you saw a 7 year old spot a $20 cheese and summer sausage gift box in a catalog and say "you know, I think I'm going to buy that for my Great Uncle Clyde for Christmas! You know how he loves summer sausage!"
So that is why I think Coke should put Santa back on the cans. It’s not about Santa at all – its alls abouts the presents. Every kid likes presents. That is the true embodiment of Sandee Claws, yes it is. Surrounding yourself in a sea of toys and occasional lame sweater from a distant relative. Never buying presents in return or having to bring food to the party. Santa represents the pimpy lifestyle of children - Be a kid and take take take. That’s what the dang Coke can should read instead of GIVE LIVE LOVE: TAKE TAKE TAKE! Golly, if everyone were as ignorant as me, we wouldn't have to worry about things like this and the world would be a better, happier place.
But noooooooo. Instead there's polar bears and snowflakes on our Coke cans now with the words GIVE LIVE LOVE. Sure, polar bears are real cute and all; I like to watch the one at Como Zoo rolling around like the big magnificent slow motion blob that it is batting its big toy cube around in the air. But who asked the polar bears if it was okay to put them on the cans? Nobody. And I highly doubt that they drink Coke. Polar bears can’t afford to buy such things. If I were a polar bear, that would make me want to manufacture a soft drink with a human on the can crouched down on all fours by a body of water holding a bigass fuckin’ trout in their mouth.
Just put Santa back on the Coke cans, that’s all I ask. Do it for the polar bears. And to give little kids like I once was false hopes that everything is always going to be handed to them on a silver platter.
Peace out.
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On a completely unrelated note, I pulled a softball sized glob of what appeared to be car seat batting out of the floor heating vent in the Pinto and it blows a fierce, hot breeze now. I’m keeping the glob of stuff as a new pet and putting some sticky googly eyes on it – it’s so gnarly!
