Being the loyal SuperAmerica patron that I am, yes, I have a Speedy Rewards card. And hopefully you do too.
For those of you who don't have SuperAmerica gas stations in your hood, allow me to 'splain: The Speedy Rewards Card is a plan where you enroll for a free credit card thingy (and convenient keychain card) that racks up points as you make your regular purchases there. Once enough Speedy Reward points are accumulated, you redeem said points for spectacular savings. Example: 2,000,000 points or something like that will get you a free sweaty hot dog. 2 cents off per gallon of gas. A complimentary donut. And so on.
Something dawned on me the other day when asked for my Speedy Rewards Card. I think I'm onto what they're really doing. These cards aren't just for savings, oh no. SuperAmerica is tracking what we buy and it all goes into a secret database. Yet another way of Big Brother watching over you, disguised as savings. Points. They're watching your spending habits and what you buy closely and give the results to people in a secret cave somewhere wearing lab coats and goggles.
I envision gigantic boxes and file cabinets full of printouts in these caves. There's immense building-sized computers that this data is plugged into. Upon further examination of this data, strategic steps are then taken to alter the SuperAmerica environment in such a manner that will make you spend more money at their business. By putting posters up of "actual store managers" holding fizzy, bubbling fountain soft drinks and smiling at you with a hypnotic gaze. Perhaps they put gasses in the air that make you want to buy an extra cans of beef jerky snuff. Switch to the premium gasoline instead of regular.
It's all about turning us into SuperAmerica robots that will return to the stores almost without choice to give them our hard earned money for things we otherwise wouldn't buy. You can't fool me. Nope.
But I've got plans, yes I do. Nobody's going to pull the wool over this SA customer's eyes. I'm here to throw a wrench into their records and they don't even see it coming. Prolly never will, either.
As of today, I am going to shop at SA multiple times a day. And I'm going to buy as much stuff as I can regardless of whether I need it or not. Listerine, tampons, calculators, funnels, hairspray, cartons of generic mentholated cigarettes, and even food I don't like. And I'll slap that fuckin' card down on the counter with great gusto for each and every purchase, and the joke will now be on them.
I'll make like I'm putting gas into my car, but really I'll be dispensing it straight onto the pavement five minutes after my tank is full just to mess with the numbers. They'll be reading their silly printouts and thinking whoa, look at the jump in this guy's gas use. He sure is buying a lot of tampons. And what's with the 5 bratwurst he buys every visit? And all of those diapers? I'm even going to buy cereal there that I don't like.
I'm really going to mess their little Speedy Rewards plan up, and it's going to feel good. I'm going to have to get a second job to make this happen and be able to afford doing this, but I'm all for tampering with the system like that. They want to mess with me and track my convenience store spending habits? I'll get 'em back ten fold, just you watch.
